Carpe Diem

Community - a word I've been thinking about a lot lately. Our church has been doing a sermon series during this lent season on our story and God's big story. A lot of that has to deal with the little details, that we sometimes think of as insignificant, but when we look back, it's easy to see how some of the intricate little details have been woven into a beautiful basket that we call our story.

My story, which seems kind of complicated and long when I look back on it, hasn't really been the the focus of my thoughts through this season though. More, the present and future of my story is what I've been focusing on.

I've just been challenged to live more in the present. Focusing on the past can sometimes be beneficial, but often times pointless. After all, it's not like we can actually change the past. Thinking about the future, while good, is just that - the future. There's always a future to focus on, and often times it's easy to spend to much energy thinking about it, and all we end up doing is robbing ourselves of living in the moment and all that God has for us in the present.

I've been challenged with living stuck in one of life's ruts. Everyday, I'm given so many opportunities to connect with the people that come into my life, but so many times I hurry through the day and miss out on so much. I've been making more of an effort to become more of a "good neighbor" to the people around me and it's been so great!

I've found some new friends in unlikely places. I've learned a lot about interesting people whose lives are completely different from my own. I've grown as I've been challenged by some of the amazing moms that practically live in my backyard that I've met and been able to get to know through various playdates and trips to the park. It's been good for me to invest relationally in my little community. And by community, I don't mean the city I live in, but even more specifically my actual neighborhood.

I'm learning more about what it means to seize the day, even though most of the time my days are a tad bit boring. Being challenged to get out of my box and make every day happenings become every day experiences has changed the way I want to live my life and the kind of person I want to be in my community. So, here's to living up the good life every moment of every day!

Update in Pictures

If you can't tell, having 2 kids has pretty much meant the end of any consistency to the ol' blog. Life is just to busy. Here's what we've been been up to these last few weeks.

Goats have made acquaintance

Pumpkins have been carved

Skin has been inked

Many baths have been taken due to the introduction of self feeding with a spoon. Things have become messy.

Babies have grown

Cows have "moo-ed"

Garden Gnomes have visited.........

And those are just the things that have been photographed. Steve has joined me in the "30's club", we went to perhaps the strangest wedding ever, Asher has discovered that the stairs are a lot of fun to climb and Atley is now a much, much happier baby. Oh joy!

That's it for now folks.

It feels good to feel good....

Today is a good day. The weather is absolutely perfect and life just seems good.
For the first time in a very, very long time I'm actually feeling more like myself and it feels so good. I didn't realize just how much the physical toll that I've gone through in the last year has affected my emotional well being as well.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually woke up feeling rested and I realized just how grateful I am to not be pregnant anymore. I feel like I've actually been getting more rest with my newborn than I did when I was pregnant and in so much pain from the polyhydramnios that I could barely sleep at night.  Granted, my days are very busy and exhausting between dealing with a very fussy baby (yes, he's no walk in the park like Asher was) and a very active 14 month old, but just not being pregnant anymore seems to make it all seem so much easier. I think the difference is that now I feel like my ability to do things revolves more around if the kids are up for it, rather than if I'm up for it. When I was pregnant, I always felt like I was holding our family back from having fun just because I felt horrible and couldn't do much. Now, it feels so good to know that I can take the boys on a walk to the park and not have to turn back a couple of blocks down the street because my joints are in to much pain to make it the short mile there and back. I never realized until I've started feeling better these past few weeks just how much I took my physical well being for granted.

To go along with that, I've realized just how much my physical well being is tied into my emotional well being. Just feeling more like myself physically has done so much for how I feel emotionally as well. So many days I feel like such a failure as a mom as I try to give both of my boys the love and attention that they need. At the end of the day though, I know that I've done my best and that many of these feelings of failure are normal and I've learned to be okay with that. When I look back on the several months before Atley was born though, I feel so sad, because I felt like I was constantly beating myself up and feeling like Asher was missing out on so much just because I wasn't feeling well and rarely got him out to do anything fun. I felt like such a failure as a mom, but in a different sense, because I had more time to shower him with all the love and attention in the world, but my physical state held me back because I was so exhausted from all the pain I was in that I didn't feel like I had much left to give to him. Now, my time is a lot more limited with two small children, but I feel so grateful that at least the time I have can have more quality to it.

All that to say, I'm truly enjoying this season of feeling more like myself and am thanking God for my good health. This may just be a new form of birth control.  Not being pregnant anymore has definitely given me a new lease on life, although, my sweet little Atley is worth every single second of everything I could ever complain about. Speaking of the little booger, he's getting big!  See for yourself....

2 Weeks In....

We're now two weeks into navigating the waters as parents of 2 and boy is it difficult! I tend to be one of those people that like to imagine the very worst, so that I'm pleasantly surprised when things are actually better than I could have imagined. This time though, I guess I could have done a little bit more imagining, because it's actually been way harder than I thought it would be.

We weren't sure how to expect Asher to respond to a new baby since he is still so young and little himself. He has had such a hard adjustment though, and life with Atley is a piece of cake compared to life with our little sweet Asher. He seems to have adjusted a little better these past few days, but still, it's been rough. I just feel so bad for him when he throws these little tantrums, because I know he doesn't understand all this change. Poor little guy.

Atley is finally doing well! It's been such a struggle these past few weeks to get him to gain weight. At the lowest, he had lost 14% of his birth weight, so we've had him in the doctor every other day for weight checks since we left the hospital. As of Friday, he still had 4 ounces to gain to get back to his birth weight. The doctor was skeptical that we could do it over the weekend since he's had such a hard time gaining, but I think little Atley was  determined that he didn't want to go to the doctor so often anymore either and went on a binge! Literally, this kid was eating every 45 minutes to an hour. Talk about a tired momma! All of the eating paid off big time though and over the weekend he gained a whole 13 ounces! The doctor said that this is unheard of, as most babies gain half and ounce every day at most. We are so, so happy that we don't have to go to the doctor again for 2 whole weeks! Hopefully little Atley will keep the weight and continue to gain, although I wouldn't mind if the eating slowed down a little. Last night was the first night that the doctor said we didn't have to wake him to eat every 2 hours and it was so glorious! This kid likes to sleep at night just like us, and only woke up once for a feeding. It was SO nice! Hopefully he'll stick with this routine, but I'm not convinced yet.

Steve went back to work yesterday and I missed him SO much! He has been such a great help since we came home from the hospital and pretty much has taken care of Asher completely on his own. I thought I would freak out about being home with both boys on my own yesterday, but I could definitely feel God's grace. We even managed to take a nice long walk, hang out with the neighbors and I took both boys with when we went to the doctor, although that part of the day was a challenge when I had to wake Asher up from his nap to drag him along with.


Here's some pics of our cute guys taken in the last week

He loves going to the park to swing!

Asher got to sit on Chris' motorcycle, he wasn't so sure what he thought of it!

Love, love, love my three guys!

My littlest cutie!

Asher loves taking walks in our enormous new double stroller

Still Pregnant

Well, I made it. August 4th is here and I'm still pregnant, much to the surprise of my doctor. It looks like my gut feeling was right that this little guy was gonna stick around in my belly until we gave him the official eviction notice. I'm so glad I didn't change the date of my c-section as recommended, so that my boy could have all the extra time in there that he needed. Naturally though, I am very ready to get this kid out of me. Pregnancy has taken it's toll (especially this last week and half) and I'm ready to be done.

This experience has been so different than the last, mostly in the fears I have going into this as a mother of 2. When I had Asher I had fear, but to such a lesser extend. I was scared of being a new mom, all that change, and taking care of a newborn. Then, all I really had to do is remind myself that women had been doing this for centuries and that if all those teen moms out there could figure it out, then of course I had to be more than capable. I saw that although my fears were valid, they were somewhat ridiculous.

This time around though, I have so many fears that seem so much more realistic. Namely, how am I going to take care of a newborn and give my 1 year old all the attention he needs and deserves? I'm more scared for Asher than I am the new baby. Pregnancy as a mommy has been rough. These last few months I've felt so bad because I feel like I haven't been meeting Asher's needs like I should be. I no longer crawl around on the floor with him, but instead have become the mom that sits on the couch and says "hey baby, if you bring that book to me I'll read it to you", because I really just don't have the energy to get up and be as interactive. I get it, there's not a lot I can do at this stage in the game, but I'm so afraid that once this baby gets here my Asher will feel so neglected. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, and almost daily ask myself what we were thinking when we decided to have kids back to back. I'm so, so excited for this new baby, but so scared that I just won't be able to handle all the stress that comes with parenting two so close in age.

I guess when it all comes down to it, I'm just so afraid of failing as a mom. I want my kids to be the best they can be and be raised knowing just how loved and valued they are, but I'm so afraid that I'll be so stressed that they'll just feel lost in the shuffle. I have 24 hours before this new adventure begins and all I can think of is that I'm just not ready. I feel so unequipped and full of fear that I'm finding it hard to even begin to comprehend what these next few years  have in store for us. I keep hoping that all of these feelings are just from all of the crazy pregnancy hormones and that within a week or two I'll have all this great new perspective, but reality (and every single person that seems to feel the need to keep reminding me) is whispering in my ear that life is about to get very difficult.

My greatest prayer these days is just that God would give me all the grace I need to be the best mom I can be to these precious boys.

On the up side, I'm so overwhelmed with how crazy life is about to get, that I haven't even really had time to think about the fact that my stomach is about to get it's 3rd slice and dice of the year (1 c-section, 1 appendix removal thus far). Surprisingly, that's really the farthest stress on my mind these days, so I guess that's a good thing.

Sticks and stones break my bones...

I've had a lot of time to think to myself lately as most of my days have been spent rocking a fussy 8 1/2 month old as he works on getting some more teeth. Thank God for our glider!

As always, our church is doing a 40 day time of prayer and reflection during the lent season. I've had some specific things and people that I've been focusing a lot of prayer on, but as I've done so, I've started realizing just how many areas that are in my life that I need prayer for.

These last few days I've been thinking about the power of forgiveness, but how forgetting sometimes seems to be so much more difficult. More specifically, the power that words have and how they can affect us. In the recent months, I've had two separate instances where people that I have really cared about have hurt me deeply with their words. I'm not here to dwell on the past, but these past few days I've been pondering forgiveness and forgetting. Is it really possible? I feel like I have been able to offer forgiveness, but still somehow those hurtful words keep running through my mind. So, is it really a place of true forgiveness that I've come to, or because of the fact that I can't seem to forget does it make me the guilty party that holds on to past offenses?

I'd like to think of it as wound that's raw that still hasn't completely healed. Sometimes the wound will leave scars to remind us, but the pain is gone. I'm really hoping that's the case in my life and with these relationships.

I remember a lot about my childhood, but some of the things that stick out to me the most are the hurtful words that my father spoke to me. Now, I can say that I truly do forgive him for that, and those words don't hurt me anymore. But, I feel that as an adult words sometimes have a tendency to hurt worse. With my dad, I knew even as a child that he didn't love me (talk about forgiveness, you'd think after working through that one that I'd be the expert on the topic!), so although many of his words hurt and I didn't even realize just how much until my teen years, I eventually came to the point where I realized that the depth of the hurt was sometimes dependent on the depth of the relationship.

So, here I am as an adult contemplating all of this and wondering if I truly will come to the point where I can not just forgive, but forget. Is it possible? I really want to know. I'd like to think, like with my fathers words that although forgetting may seem impossible, remembering but not feeling the hurt is possible, but I also have to wonder if remembering those hurtful words is just another way to hold something over the head of the person that has offended. I really want to be able to wipe the slate clean, but sometimes I just wonder how it's possible when it seems like words are a constant reminder of pain that was caused.

As I've pondered all of this, I've also started to feel very remorseful about many of the words that I've said that have hurt others. So many times our words can be taken out of context or misunderstood and cause hurt to others that we can't even imagine. Me and my stupid big mouth probably do that a lot, mostly with good intentions though.

As for now, my questions are unanswered, and as much as I miss my sleep, my time awake rocking my sweet baby in the middle of the night has left me lots of time to process the things in my heart. As I've done so, I've been left with the sweet assurance that regardless of my how I feel, God is working in me and it's the process, not the end result that really matters.

I've finally found a little time, and not much energy to check in.

I feel like I've been constantly waiting for this second wind that is supposed to arrive with the the second trimester to greet me, but instead I feel like I've almost felt worse than I did in my first trimester. I've been so exhausted that I just don't have much motivation for anything. It doesn't help that I've had horrible headaches and have been very sensitive to light and sound. I try to keep up with the laundry and housework, but that's about the extent of my life right now.  Steve was used to dinner being ready when he got home from work, and now he's lucky if I even take some chicken out of the freezer to defrost. I live off of yogurt, fruit and granola during the daytime and whatever Steve can whip up for dinner in the evening.
I feel like such a bad wife, but being pregnant seems so much harder this time around. It doesn't help that Asher is into everything now that he's crawling.

Enough of my complaining though, life is still good and as much as I hate being pregnant, I'm so happy for this little baby inside of me.

Lots has been happening lately and I feel like my heart has been tugged in many different directions. I feel like I've experienced the irony of both rejoicing with those who rejoice and grieving with those who grieve. My heart has been torn as I celebrate new life with friends that have finally received the precious baby that they have been waiting to adopt for many months now, but I have also grieved with others as they mourn the unexpected loss of a loved one. My heart has felt the ups and downs of both and it has just given me a reminder to really take joy in the joyous seasons of life because we never know when the season may change. I've found that joy can fade much easier than grief. Grief is consuming and doesn't take any effort to experience, while joy is more fleeting and harder to maintain. I so wish sometimes that the joy came just as easy as the grief. For now though, all that I know is that it's what we do with the ups and downs in the life that defines us, not the ups and downs themselves.

I've learned through some of my own personal struggles lately that I really need to look at the big picture. It's so easy to be focused on the now, but when life doesn't seem to be going the way we had envisioned, what we do in the "now" can radically change our future. As I've been processing a few things, I've been trying to make the choices that don't bring about a "quick fix" but instead will build my character and make me more whole as a human being. Sometimes I long for the easy way out, but I know that in the long run that only makes life more complicated. I've found myself missing my grandfather and all his nuggets of wisdom. How I wish that I would have paid more attention to the life lessons he taught me when I was younger!

just a boring update on life

Not a whole lot to write about here.

Here's the week in a nutshell:

- Steve got called up for jury duty yesterday, which means he'll be on a boring civil case for the next two weeks with a hefty salary of $24.00 per day. I get it, its our civic duty, but it sure is a pain in the butt.

- I took Asher to his 6 month appointment this morning(yes, he's 7 1/2 months old, we're a little behind here) and he's now considered "tall" at his whopping 29" inches! Don't know how that happened since both of our families are rather short.

- Our other little baby is doing great. If you recall, I had some special tests run on my heart a few weeks back and we were so happy to get the report from my doctor that there are no major problems, just a little murmur. I wasn't really worried about it in the first place, but good news is always good.
As far as other good news, we got the results from our Nuchal Translucency screening test. This is the test that caused so much worry in my last pregnancy when they thought that Asher might have down syndrome. At the time, they told me that with every pregnancy my chance would be so much greater that the baby could have down syndrome. I wasn't really worried about this test this time, I think my heart had been prepared enough with Asher to be able to handle whatever the news was that we got. That being said, I knew our odds were higher for "bad numbers" this time around. Oh how the tables turned though when the genetic counselor called and said that the chance of us having a baby with down syndrome this time was 1 in 10,0000! WOW! Such a change.  I don't remember the exact number with Asher, but I know it was less than a 1 in 40 chance, so I guess somehow my genetic makeup has changed in the last year.

- Steve cut his thumb pretty badly at work last week and had to go in for stitches. I swear, we have spent more time in the ER this last year than we ever have in our entire life.

- My belly is starting to get really big. I can't really fit into my normal clothes anymore, but my maternity pants are still to big. I hate this weird stage of pregnancy. Sweat pants it is!

So, that's what's happening in our extremely boring, yet exciting (in the unfortunate ways) lives.

What's so significant about significance?

Significance. A word I've been thinking about a lot lately. Merriam Webster defines significance as "the quality of being important," but I think it embodies so much more.

One struggle I've had since becoming a mom is feeling significance. I don't feel like I'm having an identity crisis by any means, but I often times find myself asking "what do I enjoy?" and come up with a blank answer. I don't really have any hobbies anymore (unless you count taking naps, which are few and far in between). Music used to be an important part of my life. For the first time in around 15 years, I've found myself having nothing to do with the music world. Unless you count the silly songs I make up to entertain Asher once in awhile. I used to also really enjoy coffee. So much that I used buy green coffee beans and roast my own batches. Now, I consider myself lucky if there's still a little bit left in the pot from what I made the night before that I can zap in the microwave really quick in the wee hours of the morning. The very thing I used to make fun of people for and turn my nose up at, I'm now doing. What have I become, that is the question I'm asking?

In no way do I regret becoming a mom. I think it's definitely the most important task I've ever had and I truly do enjoy every minute of it. I do sometimes fear though that mommyhood has taken over my life so much that I don't really know who I am anymore.
If a stranger were to ask me "what I do", I'd have to respond that I change diapers, feed a baby and making sure all the laundry is done. Blah, how boring is that? Sometimes I feel like I was born to be a mom, but other times, I wonder if somehow I've got lost along the way because my attention now revolves completely around someone else.

I wouldn't say it's even "me" time I'm looking for, because honestly, I don't even know what I would do with myself if I had a little "me" time,  and that's what really scares me. The thought of having some time to myself to do whatever I want actually kind of stresses me out, because I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that I would want to do.

For now, my questions remain unanswered and I hope that as a new mom I'll eventually get in the groove of life and figure all this out. I don't like feeling insignificant, but at the same time, I don't like that I seem to have the need to feel significant either. I guess all that I know is that I can rest in the fact that I love my sweet family so very much and am so grateful for this opportunity that God has given me to be a mom. Ultimately, I know that my identity and all of my likes, dislikes, hobbies, talents and the little things that make me, well, me, are built from a lifetime of discovering myself and knowing  that everything that has or has not been put inside of me comes from God anyway. In him, I can rest secure and know that He's not done with me yet.

Good Bye 2010 - We're Sad To See You Go!

I can't even tell you how many people I've heard say that they are so ready for 2010 to be over. It seems like a lot of the people that we know and love have had a really rough year.

For us, I think it's been one of the best years yet. I'm seriously so sad to see 2010 end. Yes, we've had a few challenges this year, but the good has definitely outweighed the bad.

Is it bad that I'm scared for 2011? It seems like 2010 has been so great, that 2011 will almost certainly seem rough. I don't know why it is, but for some reason whenever life is good, I have a hard time with sitting back an enjoying it, because I always fear that something bad is just around the corner. I know this is silly thinking and so not God's heart for me, but I still have somehow always felt that way. I have found though, that when the tough times do come, it helps to look back on all the blessings of the past and it reminds me that there is a season for everything.

Back to the 2010 that we love so much though! These are some of my very favorite memories:

January - finishing our basement renovations! It seriously felt SO good to have that project done! We also rang in the New Year with friends in St. Louis

February - A surprise visit from Nate. We miss our friend so much and love it when he comes to visit!

March - A girls weekend with Sarah in Milwaukee. Steve and Nich stayed back and painted the baby's room and setup the crib.

April - Celebrating our anniversary in Chicago. We had such a great time. We also went to a Cardinal's game in April - one of my favorite things to do!

May - Baby shower in Madison and then a trip to St. Louis for 2 baby showers there. The baby showers were great, but most of all I loved spending time with our family and friends!

June - what a great month June was! We went to Minneapolis for a hurling tournament and then spent a few days with my family in Eau Claire. I also went on maternity leave June 1st and loved having time to get ready for Asher to arrive.

July - We celebrated the 4th of July in the hospital bringing our little guy into the world. Not only was this the best month ever, but the best moment of my entire life as well. I also put in my resignation at Independent Living in July and choosing to stay home with Asher has been one of the best decisions we've ever made!

August - My mom came to visit and meet Asher. We also had a mini-vacation to Chicago in August and it was so perfect! I also got to see my old friend Kris, who was one of my english students in Thailand back in 1999. We had so much to catch up on - luckily he is now speaks fluent english!

September - A trip to St. Louis to introduce Asher to our family and friends there!

October - A visit from my dear friend Sara that lives in Montana. I finally got to meet her little sweetheart Amelia.  This was definitely one of my top highlights of the year.  We also had a visit from my Dad and Stepmom this month. It was fun seeing them in the "grandparents" role.

November -  A trip to St. Louis to see Nadia get married. We had such a fun time!

December - What a great month to celebrate all that God has done for us in 2010. We spent a day in Milwaukee enjoying being a little family and took Asher to his first NBA game. We also got new windows installed in our house this month - it may not be exciting to some, but it was for us! :)

It has been a very good year and we're sad to see 2010 leave us. We are so excited for everything that's in store for us in 2011 though. Hopefully this will be another exciting year for our family!

Happy New Year everyone!

Last week....

Last week...

- 4 Christmas parties under our belt

Christmas party with some of my new mommy friends

- 1 new tooth for Asher

- All of our Christmas cards and gifts in the mail and our Christmas shopping is DONE! Yea!

- Meeting with the parks department. I'm now on the park planning committee and the park across the street from our house should hopefully get some exciting updates in the next year, including two new park benches, a new walking trail that loops around and connects to the bike path that goes to the capitol, a new water fountain, community garden plots and an informational kiosk. This park SO needs this and I'm excited to see improvements made.

- A trip to Milwaukee and Asher's first NBA game! Bango the Buck even came to visit our suite!

Bango the Buck stopped by our suite at the game!

- I used a sander for the first time. Had to smooth a shelf out in the basement to repaint it. I felt so empowered! :)

- Mall walking. I've found that Asher doesn't like being cooped up in the house. I, on the other hand would be happy to never leave the comfort of my warm home. We got out to do a little mall walking last week just so Ash didn't go crazy and he was so happy. Makes feel like an old woman to become a mall walker, but anything beats walking out in this cold and ice!

Christmas is almost here! We'll have a low key day just relaxing. I'm looking forward to having Steve home with me.

That's it for now, Merry Christmas!

This year I'm thankful for....LIFE!

I'm writing from the hospital and feel very lucky to be alive!

Early Sunday morning I started feeling ill but didn't think to much of it. I went to church and started vomiting, so decided it was best that I go straight back home. I spent the entire day puking and resting but just figured I must have a 24 hour bug or something. My stomach hurt really bad, but I still didn't think much of it.

I realized later Sunday evening though that I wasn't getting any better and it probably wasn't good for me to be throwing up so much. I thought I would wait it out and go to urgent care in the morning but figured that for the heck of it I would call the nurse help line from our insurance company to see what they had to say, and the nurse advised me to go to the ER.

Reluctantly, I decided she was probably right. After getting a cat scan, I was immediately prepped for surgery. I woke up in the recovery room at 2:00 am and was told that my appendix had ruptured and had been that way for quite some time. The doctor told me that had I not come to the the ER that evening I probably would have died in the night. Wowsers, I feel so incredibly blessed to be alive!

I'm so bummed though because I'll probably be here for another few days, which means we had to cancel our plans to fly to Montana for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to seeing my family. We had even planned our trip around my brother coming to town as well. Oh well, these things happen and I'm just grateful to be alive.

As soon as my white blood cell counts go down (right now they're at 14,000 and they need to be at 5,000) I can go home. The pain feels very similar to what recovering from my c-section was, although maybe not quite that intense. Hopefully I will be able to go home before Thanksgiving.

In the meantime though, if any of you ever have severe stomach pain around your belly button and on the right side, please go to the ER immediately! I wish I had known so I could have spared myself an entire day of horrible pain at home.

Dealing with disappointment

I seem to have the misfortune to have had a lot of great people that I really look up to disappoint me throughout my lifetime. Sometimes I wonder if this is just a normal part of life (which I know it kind of is) or if I just happen to have been unusually unlucky in this area.
The disappointment I'm referring isn't just with the little things, like someone hurt my feelings with something small, but it's been a disappointment with the major choices that some of these people in my life have made that have completely changed the course of their entire lives. At times this has been heartbreaking for me to see.

The earliest recollection I have of experiencing this was when I was in high school and a youth leader that I really looked up to ended up cheating on his wife with one of the other youth leaders. I remember the day that he told me, just days after he had "come clean." To his credit,  he was trying as much as possible to own up to his mistakes. He went to all of the people that he had been close to and personally apologized and made sure that each one of us knew that his mistakes were all because of his stupidity and in no way had anything to do with anything his wonderful wife had done to "drive him to such actions." I remember that was one of the first times I had really been disappointed in someone that I really looked up to.

I had been disappointed by others prior to this, but they had all been people that I hadn't really expected much of anyway, so it didn't really affect me like it did with this youth leader that I had respected so much. So began what felt like my career in looking up to what seemed like the wrong people.

Then I realized that we're all just human and will all make mistakes - some bigger than others. In the last 10 years I've learned a few things. One being that without the grace of God we are all hopeless. Another being that although sometimes tough love is necessary,  unconditional love is a must.

Unconditional love is one of that factors that have come to make close friends more like family. Everyone says that family is forever because no matter what, they have to love you because you share the same DNA. While this true, that seems like it makes it to easy. That is why I've come to appreciate so much the close friends in my life that DON'T share my DNA and therefore don't have to show me that unconditional love, but yet have. Those are the people that could cut me out (or be cut out) of our lives at any moment. I'm thankful to say that I have quite a few of those types of friends that I know will love and support me no matter what.

I am also one of those kind of friends to others and right now I'm dealing with extending that unconditional love while I battle anger and sadness over choices that are being made. What I'm learning in the process though is that none of us are perfect and we all hit bumps along the road - some of those bumps are little potholes and others are huge manholes. Although the size of the bump matters, its if we make it to the flat ground on the other side that's really the most important.

I'm learning to choose and believe that it is possible in all circumstances to make it out of that bump and that the unconditional love that I show in the process is what has the power to help or hurt. It's believing in others when they don't even believe or care to believe in themselves that's important, and I'm learning that it truly is an honor to stand in the gap for someone as they make it out of that bump.

I'm also learning that none of us are above any of the disappointing actions that we see others playing out and because of that I've become even more grateful for the grace of God on my life.

Job Offer: no pay, long hours, always on call. Benefits will last a lifetime!

Whenever Steve and I have some time to ourselves to sit down and talk I always seem to ask him the same question.....What are you learning in life?

In order to ask the question I feel like I need to be able to answer it myself.

So here goes with what I'm learning in life.

I'm learning that sometimes the little things are the most important. Things like spending quality time with my family and not over committing my time to things that are really non-essential.

I'm learning to think about what I'd like to call "the 5 year rule". Will it really matter in 5 years? If the answer is no, then I don't feel bad about letting things slide. I'm learning that this precious time with my constantly growing child is really what I'm called to right now.

So many times people spend their whole life looking for their calling. Guess what mine became the day I got pregnant? Caring for this child. I don't take for granted this tiny human being that God has graciously lent me. I know that raising this child to know and love Jesus and be good to and respect others has now become my calling and I don't take that lightly. I don't ever want to be the mom or wife that puts my family on the back burner, so for this season of life my calling is to my family and I embrace that with all of my heart. Sometimes I find myself feeling down because I feel somewhat insignificant. I struggle somedays with feeling like my whole life revolves around pumping, feeding the baby, changing diapers and folding laundry. Really though, I know there's so much more to it than that and I want to treasure every single moment that I have.

I can't even begin to count how many times my mom has told me that the most devastating moment of her life was when she first went back to work and had to take us kids to daycare after my dad left us. To this day, she still feels guilty that she had 2 more years at home with Andy than she did with me. At least once a week I get an email from her telling me how proud she is that I decided to take a leap of faith to quit my job in order to stay home with Asher. She said those few years she had home with us kids were the absolute best years of her life.

I may feel insignificant, but I know that God has called me to "just be a mom" in this season of life and ultimately that is the most important job I've ever had. I'm learning to focus on what's really important. This may be a lifelong lesson, but at least I'm learning as I go.

Hanging with the homies....

This last week has been great and so refreshing. Sara and Amelia came to visit from Montana. It was so wonderful to meet this sweet Amelia that I've only heard about and seen pictures of for the last year.

Sara and I have been friends, well, for forever! One of my first memories of her was when we both sang in a little play with our children's choir at church - Sara was a little sheep in the play! If I had to guess I would say we were probably in forth or fifth grade at the time. Since then we've been good friends. I don't see her as often as I'd like since we live on opposite sides of the country, but when I do it's one of those friendships where you can just pick up right where you left off with none of the awkwardness that sometimes comes with catching up with someone you haven't seen in forever. I love those kind of friends.

Anyway, we had such a great week hanging out, introducing our kids to each other and catching up on life. After having such a busy and somewhat draining last few weeks it was so refreshing for me to spend some quality time with my good friend. Sara is such a wonderful mom and I just wanted to soak up every second of watching and learning from her. I think I must have asked her at least a thousand questions about parenting.

I was so sad to see her leave, but so happy that we had the opportunity to spend this time together.

Asher loved his Auntie Sara!

Hanging out at the park, yes, that is Josh pushing my 200 pound husband on the "big kids" swing. I think they were trying to catch up with Amelia.

Always on my mind....

I woke up with lots on my mind this morning. Lately I feel like I've been letting my mind run wild, and that's a dangerous thing.

I've had some stuff going on that really is little and trivial, but I feel like I've let myself think about it so much that it's become a giant in my life, and not in a healthy way. It's so hard to not let my mind run crazy sometimes and because of that I tend to make mountains out of molehills. I'm not saying I'm an advocate of stuffing problems to avoid dealing with them, but I do think that sometimes trivial things turn into problems that should have never been considered problems in the first place had they not had the opportunity to be broken down and contemplated so heavily. Now you can see why mind is full of thoughts, sometimes I even confuse myself.

In the midst of all my thoughts at 5:00 am, I figured I might as well just get up and enjoy the silence. Steve had left extra early this morning to meet a friend for coffee before work and the house was silent and peaceful. I made myself a latte and decided that it was time to dust off some really old CD's that had never even made it into i-tunes library (Delirious, Cutting Edge albums for those of you who may be interested). Music has such a calming effect on me.

As I was enjoying my latte filled, baby free (don't worry, he was here, just sleeping) morning I realized that really I always seem to make life way more complex then it should be. For not being all that smart, I seem to constantly over analyze everything to an annoying extend. Really, what I realized though is that at the end of the day my life comes down to two questions:

Did I love Jesus with all of my heart today, and did I love others like Jesus has shown love to me? Really, it's that simple. Love God, Love People. Why do we (I) as human beings make it so complicated sometimes? I think it's when we forget about the simplicity of the gospel and loving Jesus that we lose our balance in life. I know for me, it's true.

There is such complexity to these two simple solutions that literally can solve every conundrum in life, and although love is easier said than done, I think we over complicate, over analyze and all around disregard the simple power of it.

For me, I've got the loving people down for today (at least for the 4 hours I've been awake), but it's the loving God, or more letting him love me and trusting in that love that is my challenge for the day.

Here we go!

It's been a super busy week. No time for blogging. I don't know if this week will be much better.

Here are some of the highlights of last week:

I took Asher to his 2 month appointment. Our little incredible hulk now weighs a whopping 15 pounds and is 24 inches long! He's in the 97th percentile for his weight and the 91st percentile for his height. He is growing like a week!

At his appointment he also got one of his shots - the DTaP vaccine. I was so worried and stressing the whole time, but the little guy smiled before, during and after the shot. It was almost as if he didn't even feel it and the nurse was so impressed. I feel a little bit paranoid now though because this kid just seems so pain tolerant that it almost concerns me. Remember when he scratched his eyeball? He never even cried or seemed to know it, just like this shot. Am I crazy for feeling a little concerned that my son didn't cry when he got a shot?

On to other news....I got a bunch of milk containers in the mail this week. Yep, exciting stuff. Hopefully this isn't TMI, but I've been producing milk like a cow. Literally, I have more than twice the amount that Asher eats. So, when the doctor mentioned donating my milk to a milk bank at first I thought it was a little weird until I looked into it and then I got so excited. The mothers milk bank of Ohio partners with a milk bank here in Madison. They collect breast milk to help sick babies in the NICU whose mothers can't produce milk. They go through a huge screening process (I had to do an interview, fill out a multiple page application, have both my doctor and Asher's doctor fill out paperwork, and then later this week will go get 3 vials of blood drawn) and once the donor is approved they can start collecting milk. All the milk is screened and pasteurized to insure it's safe. I feel so happy that I can help little babies in need. I know if my child were in a similar situation and I couldn't give them the milk they needed I would be so grateful for the help, so I feel really happy that I can something to help others out because of my over-abundance of milk!

Another highlight...we're looking into getting new windows for our house (we desperately need them) and yesterday, when a friend from St. Louis was in town I asked his advice on what kind of windows we should look for (he's a building inspector). He then offered to take some time off work and come up to Madison and install them for us himself to save us a bit of money. We are constantly amazed by the wonderful people that are on in our life and can't believe someone would be so kind to do this for us. Doc has always been amazing to us like this. When we lived in St Louis he saved the day for us more times than we could ever count and we're so blessed to have him in our life!

This week looks like it will be a busy one! Our community group starts up again on Wednesday and on Friday my Dad and Stepmom will be here to visit for a few days. Who would have thought staying home would keep me almost as busy as when I was working full time? It sure is a whole lot more fun though! I am loving my life as a stay at home mom!

Life these days...

I've been feeling such an excitement for this new season of life that I'm in. I've absolutely loved being home with Asher. Somedays I don't leave the house and other days are a whirlwind of activity, but I like it that way.

I just feel like I actually have something more to offer the world (or more the people that are in my world) now that I'm not feeling so burnt out on life. Not that life was horrible before, but now that I'm not coming home from work every day exhausted I feel like I actually have something give to others rather than feel like I was operating out of emptiness.

I've been spending a lot of time hanging out with girlfriends during the daytime and then Steve and I have been having people over a lot in the evenings. I hesitate to word this incorrectly, but there have been so many times in the past where our hearts desires were to spend time with friends, but we were just so tired that it sometimes almost felt more like a chore. Now, even though I feel really tired from life with a newborn, it's a different kind of tired than I felt before. I feel like I actually have something to offer people other than feeling like I'm giving my time but not able to give all of my heart.

All that to say that I'm really excited for this season of life and all that it holds. I love being able to feel like I can actually invest in people again and do it without feeling burnt out. I've been loving spending one on one time with some of the different girls from our church community group and just being able to chat about life. I'm excited for what the fall holds for when our groups start up again. I feel like Steve and I (or at least me, since I'm not so stressed with work anymore) actually have something that we'll be able to now offer our group that we just unfortunately weren't able to give before. I'm excited to grow together as a group and do life together.

I'm also excited for all of the new friends I've been making in the recent months. We've been here in Madison for almost 2 years now and we're finally at the point where I feel like we can say we have a pretty large circle of friends, with most of them being actually very meaningful relationships. I've also loved having diversity in those friendships - whether it be friends from church or random people we've met that are completely different from us in every way, but we somehow just seem to click with anyway.

Life is good and my heart is so, so happy!

I am a changed woman....

I'm not sure if its all the pregnancy hormones or the fact that I'm so anxious to get this baby out of me, but I somehow feel like my body has been invaded by aliens.

Take yesterday, for example. Last week we got a notice in our mailbox that the Salvation Army truck would be in our neighborhood this week accepting donations. I was thrilled because I had a lot of things to get rid of, but I've been so tired lately that I haven't had the energy to take a trip to a donation drop off point. We had a nice exercise bike in our garage that has been needing a new home, so I called the salvation army just to make sure that they would be accepting donations of larger items as well. I was thrilled when they told me they would gladly take the exercise bike.

So, I had Steve move the bike to our front yard before he left for work and I got up early to move all of the boxes I had filled up near the bike for the 8 am pickup.

The truck pulled up to our house and one of the gentleman loading up the goods knocked on our door and informed me that they were unable to take exercise bikes due to liability issues. I informed him that I had called in advance and had been assured that that they would take the bike and asked him if maybe he had been confused. He told me that he knew the rules and refused to take the bike. That's when I got mad. I didn't yell at the poor guy, but I definitely let him know how frustrated I was and responded with some smart comment about how now we have this stupid bike that's gonna have to sit in our front yard and look tacky while all the neighborhood kids stop by and ride it. I was ticked.

Then, to take matters even further I got on my computer and sent a nasty email to the major of the salvation army explaining how frustrated I was and asked that they educate their staff on what their policies actually are so that people in the community will actually want to continue donating items to them rather than being misinformed and getting ticked off.

After that I left for my midwife appointment and cried the entire 25 minute drive because it really hurt my feelings that they wouldn't take my exercise bike. Yes, I was crying over having my feelings hurt by the salvation army.

I swear, I feel insane. Yes, it's silly that my feelings were hurt so much by this, but what really gets me is my response. Sending nasty emails and letting out my frustrations on the poor donation pick up guy is not only so out of character for me, but so un-christian as well. What's even worse is that now that I've settled down I don't really feel all that bad about my actions. Give me 2 weeks and I'm sure if I'm not losing sleep over this baby keeping me awake I'll be losing sleep about feeling bad about being mean to the salvation army and wind up sending an apology email in the middle of the night. Miscommunication happens, people mess up and that's just how life is, somehow with all these crazy hormones I seem to have forgotten that.

Will I always be this way now, or once the baby comes will I be back to my normal self? I don't like feeling so sensitive and mean. What's worse, is that I don't like NOT feeling bad about being mean. I recognize that pregnant or not, I'm no angel, but I do want to be a person that shows love and respect to others when I deal with them regardless of how they are treating me.

I'm really hoping and praying that soon I'll be back to my old self. In the meantime, I think it's a good idea that I just hide away in our house so as to not scare the rest of the world away.

PS...for the record, I did get a very kind email response from the salvation army apologizing for the miscommunication. We also got rid of the exercise bike. Before I could even post the bike on the "free" section of craigslist one of our neighbors stopped by and offered to buy it from us. We were thrilled to be able to give it to her and get it out of our hair.

Babies and Bands

Besides all of the baby shower extravaganza I had a few other highlights of our trip to St. Louis.

One would be this little guy:

This is little Griffin Jude. I got to meet him for the first time and it made me oh so happy! He is one of the sweetest babies ever. Seriously, the kid hardly cries at all. I have been looking forward to being introduced to this little guy for the past few weeks and was so excited when I could finally hold him! Dale and Missy sure do make some cute kids! Other highlights was seeing his brother and sisters. It's amazing to me how fast these kids grow up. We just saw them over New Years but it seems like they've grown so much since then. Caleb is just as cute and sweet as ever and Hannah and Ava are the same sassy little girls, full of independence.

The other highlight was seeing Waterdeep. This band has been on the list as one of my top 3 favorite bands for over 10 years now. I've seen them in concert several times, but over the past few years they've stopped touring as much, so it was probably at least 5 years ago since I saw them last.

I was SO excited when Missy told me that they would be in town the same weekend we were and couldn't wait to see them live again. I know, I've said I would never go to another concert again while I was pregnant after my last experience, but this concert was special and I just had to go. Not only was it my favorite band, but it was actually the very last concert where they would be playing with a full band. From here on out it's just Don & Lori acoustic (which would still be great) and it doesn't even sound like they'll be doing to many of those shows.

So, without a doubt, pregnant or not this was a show I wanted to go to. It worked out so perfectly because they actually had seats (rather than standing only) at the concert and we got some good ones in the 4th row (we somehow thought that concert started at 6:30 when it actually started at 7:30).

Anyway, so as I sat there in a comfy chair with a perfect view listening to pretty much my favorite band ever I just felt so loved by God. I love how God chooses to show us how much he loves us in the little things. How amazing that it worked out that on the exact weekend we would be in town my favorite band would be there as well for their last concert and God allowed me to be a part of that. Music is such an important part of my life - it's how I really connect with God and only God knows just how much it would mean to me to be able to see them live this one last time. It just made me aware of how good our God is that he chooses to show us his love and bless us in the little ways that He really doesn't need to. Not being able to see Waterdeep would have not changed the fact that I know I'm loved by God, but just the opportunity to see them this one last time reminded me of just how much God knows us and loves us and cares about the little things that we care about. I love that I serve a God that is so big, yet so personal.

All that to say, one word to sum up our time in St. Louis was "love". I felt so loved by our friends and so loved by my God. Life can't get much better!