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Significance. A word I've been thinking about a lot lately. Merriam Webster defines significance as "the quality of being important," but I think it embodies so much more.
One struggle I've had since becoming a mom is feeling significance. I don't feel like I'm having an identity crisis by any means, but I often times find myself asking "what do I enjoy?" and come up with a blank answer. I don't really have any hobbies anymore (unless you count taking naps, which are few and far in between). Music used to be an important part of my life. For the first time in around 15 years, I've found myself having nothing to do with the music world. Unless you count the silly songs I make up to entertain Asher once in awhile. I used to also really enjoy coffee. So much that I used buy green coffee beans and roast my own batches. Now, I consider myself lucky if there's still a little bit left in the pot from what I made the night before that I can zap in the microwave really quick in the wee hours of the morning. The very thing I used to make fun of people for and turn my nose up at, I'm now doing. What have I become, that is the question I'm asking?
In no way do I regret becoming a mom. I think it's definitely the most important task I've ever had and I truly do enjoy every minute of it. I do sometimes fear though that mommyhood has taken over my life so much that I don't really know who I am anymore.
If a stranger were to ask me "what I do", I'd have to respond that I change diapers, feed a baby and making sure all the laundry is done. Blah, how boring is that? Sometimes I feel like I was born to be a mom, but other times, I wonder if somehow I've got lost along the way because my attention now revolves completely around someone else.
I wouldn't say it's even "me" time I'm looking for, because honestly, I don't even know what I would do with myself if I had a little "me" time, and that's what really scares me. The thought of having some time to myself to do whatever I want actually kind of stresses me out, because I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that I would want to do.
For now, my questions remain unanswered and I hope that as a new mom I'll eventually get in the groove of life and figure all this out. I don't like feeling insignificant, but at the same time, I don't like that I seem to have the need to feel significant either. I guess all that I know is that I can rest in the fact that I love my sweet family so very much and am so grateful for this opportunity that God has given me to be a mom. Ultimately, I know that my identity and all of my likes, dislikes, hobbies, talents and the little things that make me, well, me, are built from a lifetime of discovering myself and knowing that everything that has or has not been put inside of me comes from God anyway. In him, I can rest secure and know that He's not done with me yet.
One struggle I've had since becoming a mom is feeling significance. I don't feel like I'm having an identity crisis by any means, but I often times find myself asking "what do I enjoy?" and come up with a blank answer. I don't really have any hobbies anymore (unless you count taking naps, which are few and far in between). Music used to be an important part of my life. For the first time in around 15 years, I've found myself having nothing to do with the music world. Unless you count the silly songs I make up to entertain Asher once in awhile. I used to also really enjoy coffee. So much that I used buy green coffee beans and roast my own batches. Now, I consider myself lucky if there's still a little bit left in the pot from what I made the night before that I can zap in the microwave really quick in the wee hours of the morning. The very thing I used to make fun of people for and turn my nose up at, I'm now doing. What have I become, that is the question I'm asking?
In no way do I regret becoming a mom. I think it's definitely the most important task I've ever had and I truly do enjoy every minute of it. I do sometimes fear though that mommyhood has taken over my life so much that I don't really know who I am anymore.
If a stranger were to ask me "what I do", I'd have to respond that I change diapers, feed a baby and making sure all the laundry is done. Blah, how boring is that? Sometimes I feel like I was born to be a mom, but other times, I wonder if somehow I've got lost along the way because my attention now revolves completely around someone else.
I wouldn't say it's even "me" time I'm looking for, because honestly, I don't even know what I would do with myself if I had a little "me" time, and that's what really scares me. The thought of having some time to myself to do whatever I want actually kind of stresses me out, because I can't for the life of me figure out what it is that I would want to do.
For now, my questions remain unanswered and I hope that as a new mom I'll eventually get in the groove of life and figure all this out. I don't like feeling insignificant, but at the same time, I don't like that I seem to have the need to feel significant either. I guess all that I know is that I can rest in the fact that I love my sweet family so very much and am so grateful for this opportunity that God has given me to be a mom. Ultimately, I know that my identity and all of my likes, dislikes, hobbies, talents and the little things that make me, well, me, are built from a lifetime of discovering myself and knowing that everything that has or has not been put inside of me comes from God anyway. In him, I can rest secure and know that He's not done with me yet.
Labels: life
4 Comments:
Well written! I struggle with the same things too. Rest assured that when they become more independent you'll start getting more time for yourself. You'll probably spend it differently than how you used to before kids, but you'll get to know the "new" you.
It's hard to re-train your brain when you do start getting "me" time. I still don't know how to act when I get time alone. Some days I want to just sit and listen to the quiet. Or finally organize the toys since it's hard to do it while they're around. Or if I run to the mall it's instinct to only look for things that they might need. I have to force myself to take a break and do something for myself. You'll get there, but enjoy them while they're babies and need your constant attention!
Oh my Jen Jen... I hear what you are saying, but there are two things that I know about you: God has given you an amazing heart to love others, and he has given you an amazing talent in music. With your kid(s), you are a castle builder. In old times, castles took years upon years to build. Sometimes the original builders wouldn't even get to see the final product. Asher and your kids are your castle, but you will get to see the final product! Sometimes you feel like you are just hauling stones (laundry, cooking, diapers) but know that you are building something amazing that God has entrusted to you. I love you!
Jen, how you're feeling is totally normal and I think every new mom on the planet has felt this way at one time or another.
What you are doing now is so important and one day you'll look back and see how much you've learned and that through this time you really have discovered what you're truly about.
One thing I've always loved about you is your honesty with your feelings. It makes you so relateable.
Very cool! Looks like fun!!
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