This experience has been so different than the last, mostly in the fears I have going into this as a mother of 2. When I had Asher I had fear, but to such a lesser extend. I was scared of being a new mom, all that change, and taking care of a newborn. Then, all I really had to do is remind myself that women had been doing this for centuries and that if all those teen moms out there could figure it out, then of course I had to be more than capable. I saw that although my fears were valid, they were somewhat ridiculous.
This time around though, I have so many fears that seem so much more realistic. Namely, how am I going to take care of a newborn and give my 1 year old all the attention he needs and deserves? I'm more scared for Asher than I am the new baby. Pregnancy as a mommy has been rough. These last few months I've felt so bad because I feel like I haven't been meeting Asher's needs like I should be. I no longer crawl around on the floor with him, but instead have become the mom that sits on the couch and says "hey baby, if you bring that book to me I'll read it to you", because I really just don't have the energy to get up and be as interactive. I get it, there's not a lot I can do at this stage in the game, but I'm so afraid that once this baby gets here my Asher will feel so neglected. I just don't know how I'm going to do it, and almost daily ask myself what we were thinking when we decided to have kids back to back. I'm so, so excited for this new baby, but so scared that I just won't be able to handle all the stress that comes with parenting two so close in age.
I guess when it all comes down to it, I'm just so afraid of failing as a mom. I want my kids to be the best they can be and be raised knowing just how loved and valued they are, but I'm so afraid that I'll be so stressed that they'll just feel lost in the shuffle. I have 24 hours before this new adventure begins and all I can think of is that I'm just not ready. I feel so unequipped and full of fear that I'm finding it hard to even begin to comprehend what these next few years have in store for us. I keep hoping that all of these feelings are just from all of the crazy pregnancy hormones and that within a week or two I'll have all this great new perspective, but reality (and every single person that seems to feel the need to keep reminding me) is whispering in my ear that life is about to get very difficult.
My greatest prayer these days is just that God would give me all the grace I need to be the best mom I can be to these precious boys.
On the up side, I'm so overwhelmed with how crazy life is about to get, that I haven't even really had time to think about the fact that my stomach is about to get it's 3rd slice and dice of the year (1 c-section, 1 appendix removal thus far). Surprisingly, that's really the farthest stress on my mind these days, so I guess that's a good thing.