Health and all that jazz

My 3 guys

I'm not even sure where to begin, but I think I want to write more to process my own thoughts than to fill you all in on the not so exciting details of our lives.

For a little background information, we took Asher in for his 12 month check up back in July and the doctor had a few concerns. It hasn't really been something I've blogged about for various reason, such as I haven't really known how to process my thoughts, the findings have been long and detailed, and really we're hoping that in the big picture none of this will be a big deal, so we're trying to not make a big deal out of it.
Anyway, without going into to many boring details, Asher is delayed in several areas, but the most concerning has been that he has low muscle tone. After asking million of questions, I'm still confused as to what that is, as the therapist's that we've met with said that he's actually very strong for his age. Apparently low muscle tone and strong muscles are two completely different things. Anyway, all of this has to deal with so many problems such as his feeding (he's currently eating at around a 9 month level) and what he can chew, his energy, his pain tolerance (which is unusually high) and so on and so forth. Basically to sum it up,  he doesn't feel a lot of sensation. We've started therapy for him, and are hopeful that things will get better, although no one really knows for sure how this will affect him long term.

So, that's that. Fast forward to Monday. We took Atley in for his 2 month appointment and something I've feared but haven't vocalized was confirmed. The doctor thinks that it's possible that Atley has the same problems. After being told some of the signs of the low muscle tone, I've been kind of paying attention to details with my newborn that most moms would never think to notice. Atley has had a hard time with feeding, not quite as much as Asher did, but the underlying problems have been the same, and I've been noticing that Atley's cheeks are starting to get big and puffy and sink down like Asher's did. I didn't want to mention anything to the doctor, because honestly I thought I was just being a paranoid mom, but unfortunately she noticed some of the same things. She said that normally it wouldn't be something that was concerning to her at this young age, but because of what we now know about Asher, she's seeing a similar pattern that raises some flags.

So, my next question is why? As far as Steve and I know, there's no history of these problems on either side of our family, but the doctor mentioned that sometimes a mother and father's genetic makeup doesn't always fit together like it should. So, now the doctors are wanting to do some genetic testing on the boys to try and see where all of this stems from. It's all just to much information to digest sometimes. I really was fine with all of it until a few innocent comments got me thinking about the future.  We dropped Asher off in the Y childcare center last night and one of the workers mentioned about how tough he was and that he'd make a good football player once he got older. Such an innocent comment, but it got me thinking about how I want my boys to be able to do anything that they want to and not be held back, but the reality is that low muscle tone kids excel in gymnastics, not football.
I know, I know, it's silly, but I think that as a mom it's heartbreaking to think of your childs future and know that there's a possibility that you won't be able to cheer them on in whatever it is that they decide they want to pursue. I know, I'm getting way ahead of myself here with what the future holds for our kids, but it's so hard for me to NOT think about this. Mostly, I think just because I want to raise strong confident kids and I know that other kids can be so cruel and the thought of my babies getting picked on because they're "different" is just so hard for me to digest.

Another part of me feels guilty - guilty for even worrying about this stuff when in reality we have been so blessed to have such healthy children. I think of one of my friends who has a 2 year old daughter that is battling leukemia right now and feel ashamed that I'm even bothering to put an ounce of worry into the "problems" that we're facing. Back when we first found out about all of this, we had another scare that something might be wrong with Asher's heart. He had a murmur that was getting louder, so we had to send him to the childrens hospital for several tests, which thankfully came out just fine. It was just a scare, but I remember at the time feeling so grateful and positive about all of these non-life threatening developmental delays because all that mattered to me was that my baby had a healthy heart.  It really put thing into perspective for me.

It feels good to feel good....

Today is a good day. The weather is absolutely perfect and life just seems good.
For the first time in a very, very long time I'm actually feeling more like myself and it feels so good. I didn't realize just how much the physical toll that I've gone through in the last year has affected my emotional well being as well.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually woke up feeling rested and I realized just how grateful I am to not be pregnant anymore. I feel like I've actually been getting more rest with my newborn than I did when I was pregnant and in so much pain from the polyhydramnios that I could barely sleep at night.  Granted, my days are very busy and exhausting between dealing with a very fussy baby (yes, he's no walk in the park like Asher was) and a very active 14 month old, but just not being pregnant anymore seems to make it all seem so much easier. I think the difference is that now I feel like my ability to do things revolves more around if the kids are up for it, rather than if I'm up for it. When I was pregnant, I always felt like I was holding our family back from having fun just because I felt horrible and couldn't do much. Now, it feels so good to know that I can take the boys on a walk to the park and not have to turn back a couple of blocks down the street because my joints are in to much pain to make it the short mile there and back. I never realized until I've started feeling better these past few weeks just how much I took my physical well being for granted.

To go along with that, I've realized just how much my physical well being is tied into my emotional well being. Just feeling more like myself physically has done so much for how I feel emotionally as well. So many days I feel like such a failure as a mom as I try to give both of my boys the love and attention that they need. At the end of the day though, I know that I've done my best and that many of these feelings of failure are normal and I've learned to be okay with that. When I look back on the several months before Atley was born though, I feel so sad, because I felt like I was constantly beating myself up and feeling like Asher was missing out on so much just because I wasn't feeling well and rarely got him out to do anything fun. I felt like such a failure as a mom, but in a different sense, because I had more time to shower him with all the love and attention in the world, but my physical state held me back because I was so exhausted from all the pain I was in that I didn't feel like I had much left to give to him. Now, my time is a lot more limited with two small children, but I feel so grateful that at least the time I have can have more quality to it.

All that to say, I'm truly enjoying this season of feeling more like myself and am thanking God for my good health. This may just be a new form of birth control.  Not being pregnant anymore has definitely given me a new lease on life, although, my sweet little Atley is worth every single second of everything I could ever complain about. Speaking of the little booger, he's getting big!  See for yourself....

Thanksgiving

Despite being terribly disappointed that we didn't get to go visit my family for Thanksgiving we tried to make the best of it. We're so thankful for good friends like Nich and Sarah that made the day a little more fun! Since we had planned on being out of town for 2 weeks we had absolutely no groceries in our house (except for popcorn, of course!) so it was really nice of them to bring us some Turkey and fixings!

I'm still not feeling 100%, but nothing keeps me from black Friday shopping! I have a love-hate relationship with black friday. I hate getting out to shop, but love it when I see how much money we saved. We're not the typical "stand in line for a TV" type of people, but instead we normally get practical things. Last year was a new vacuum, this year was some new cookie sheets, bedside lamps for the guest room and light fixtures to replace the ugly gold ones in our bedroom and hallway. They're not really fun items, but saving money is always fun in my book!

Last night we had dinner with our long lost friends the Bianchi's. It was so good for my heart to spend time with these guys and really helped cheer me up. I normally don't get bummed out very easily, but I've been so bummed these last few days with just really wanting to see my family - mostly just my brother and my grandma since it's going on 2 1/2 years since I've seen them now. I hate to sound ungrateful to be alive, but I really wish all of this stuff with my appendix wouldn't have happened when it did. I'm happy to be on the mend though and am feeling better every day.

This year I'm thankful for....LIFE!

I'm writing from the hospital and feel very lucky to be alive!

Early Sunday morning I started feeling ill but didn't think to much of it. I went to church and started vomiting, so decided it was best that I go straight back home. I spent the entire day puking and resting but just figured I must have a 24 hour bug or something. My stomach hurt really bad, but I still didn't think much of it.

I realized later Sunday evening though that I wasn't getting any better and it probably wasn't good for me to be throwing up so much. I thought I would wait it out and go to urgent care in the morning but figured that for the heck of it I would call the nurse help line from our insurance company to see what they had to say, and the nurse advised me to go to the ER.

Reluctantly, I decided she was probably right. After getting a cat scan, I was immediately prepped for surgery. I woke up in the recovery room at 2:00 am and was told that my appendix had ruptured and had been that way for quite some time. The doctor told me that had I not come to the the ER that evening I probably would have died in the night. Wowsers, I feel so incredibly blessed to be alive!

I'm so bummed though because I'll probably be here for another few days, which means we had to cancel our plans to fly to Montana for Thanksgiving. I was really looking forward to seeing my family. We had even planned our trip around my brother coming to town as well. Oh well, these things happen and I'm just grateful to be alive.

As soon as my white blood cell counts go down (right now they're at 14,000 and they need to be at 5,000) I can go home. The pain feels very similar to what recovering from my c-section was, although maybe not quite that intense. Hopefully I will be able to go home before Thanksgiving.

In the meantime though, if any of you ever have severe stomach pain around your belly button and on the right side, please go to the ER immediately! I wish I had known so I could have spared myself an entire day of horrible pain at home.

Shot #2

I took the little guy in to get another shot yesterday. I was hoping he would respond like he did last time by giggling the whole time. I didn't fare quite that well, but I can't complain. He cried for a total of maybe 3 seconds and then was completely fine and didn't seem fussy or affected at all by the shot for the rest of the day. Maybe it's just easier on him since I only take him in to get one shot at a time rather than the usual 3 that most babies get.

We'll see how it goes next month.

I did have him weighed as long as we were at the doctors office and he's now weighing in at 17.5 pounds!

He's almost ready to outgrow his infant carseat. I'm expecting that he'll be rolling over any day now. He sure has been trying hard!

Marriage and Green Tea....

I haven’t blogged in awhile….I don’t know if my excuse is more that I’ve just been too busy or just because I haven’t felt like it.

Last week I got my butt kicked by that nasty flu. The last time I can remember being that sick was when I was a kid. It was SO miserable. Luckily for me I have the nicest husband in the world that pretty much waited on me hand and foot the entire time I was sick. He is so nice and I am so blessed to have such a wonderful man.

Speaking of husbands and marriage, I’ve been thinking lately just about how blessed I am. I have a few close friends that are going through divorces right now and I just couldn’t imagine how horrible that must feel…..more than that even just realizing that the person that has vowed to love you an be faithful you for the rest of your lives has broken those vows.
I would consider Steve & I to have a very healthy marriage. We disagree once in awhile like every married couple, but we are both committed to loving and respecting each other and we have learned the importance of communication and honesty. I really couldn’t imagine losing the love of my life. Steve is truly my best friend in the entire world and it when I look back on my life before Steve I’m not really sure how I functioned. He truly is my better half.

On to other topics…..coffee (yum!). Although I’m not catholic for the last few years our church has taken 40 day during lent to kind of refocus – both for vision for our church and for personal vision for those that go to the church. Usually everyone who wants to participate will fast something (media, food, TV, sugar, internet) and this year I felt like I was supposed to give up coffee. I really don’t think I’ve ever given up coffee for any purpose or even for more than 24 hours before (at least in the last 12 years) so this is a real stretch for me. It’s been a week or so now, but I’m learning the I really love tea!
Of course I miss my coffee, but I’ve actually been feeling better since I’ve been drinking green tea. I never realized how good green tea was for you! Besides being loaded with antioxidants (click here for info on what antioxidants are) it’s good for your complexion, heart, lower cholesterol and even helps prevent cancer! As much as I miss my morning coffee I’ve really been enjoying my green tea. The stuff I’ve been drinking has about half the amount of caffeine that a cup of coffee does so it’s nice to still have a little bit of help in the morning too. So....here's to tea!