It feels good to feel good....

Today is a good day. The weather is absolutely perfect and life just seems good.
For the first time in a very, very long time I'm actually feeling more like myself and it feels so good. I didn't realize just how much the physical toll that I've gone through in the last year has affected my emotional well being as well.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually woke up feeling rested and I realized just how grateful I am to not be pregnant anymore. I feel like I've actually been getting more rest with my newborn than I did when I was pregnant and in so much pain from the polyhydramnios that I could barely sleep at night.  Granted, my days are very busy and exhausting between dealing with a very fussy baby (yes, he's no walk in the park like Asher was) and a very active 14 month old, but just not being pregnant anymore seems to make it all seem so much easier. I think the difference is that now I feel like my ability to do things revolves more around if the kids are up for it, rather than if I'm up for it. When I was pregnant, I always felt like I was holding our family back from having fun just because I felt horrible and couldn't do much. Now, it feels so good to know that I can take the boys on a walk to the park and not have to turn back a couple of blocks down the street because my joints are in to much pain to make it the short mile there and back. I never realized until I've started feeling better these past few weeks just how much I took my physical well being for granted.

To go along with that, I've realized just how much my physical well being is tied into my emotional well being. Just feeling more like myself physically has done so much for how I feel emotionally as well. So many days I feel like such a failure as a mom as I try to give both of my boys the love and attention that they need. At the end of the day though, I know that I've done my best and that many of these feelings of failure are normal and I've learned to be okay with that. When I look back on the several months before Atley was born though, I feel so sad, because I felt like I was constantly beating myself up and feeling like Asher was missing out on so much just because I wasn't feeling well and rarely got him out to do anything fun. I felt like such a failure as a mom, but in a different sense, because I had more time to shower him with all the love and attention in the world, but my physical state held me back because I was so exhausted from all the pain I was in that I didn't feel like I had much left to give to him. Now, my time is a lot more limited with two small children, but I feel so grateful that at least the time I have can have more quality to it.

All that to say, I'm truly enjoying this season of feeling more like myself and am thanking God for my good health. This may just be a new form of birth control.  Not being pregnant anymore has definitely given me a new lease on life, although, my sweet little Atley is worth every single second of everything I could ever complain about. Speaking of the little booger, he's getting big!  See for yourself....