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I've had a lot of time to think to myself lately as most of my days have been spent rocking a fussy 8 1/2 month old as he works on getting some more teeth. Thank God for our glider!
As always, our church is doing a 40 day time of prayer and reflection during the lent season. I've had some specific things and people that I've been focusing a lot of prayer on, but as I've done so, I've started realizing just how many areas that are in my life that I need prayer for.
These last few days I've been thinking about the power of forgiveness, but how forgetting sometimes seems to be so much more difficult. More specifically, the power that words have and how they can affect us. In the recent months, I've had two separate instances where people that I have really cared about have hurt me deeply with their words. I'm not here to dwell on the past, but these past few days I've been pondering forgiveness and forgetting. Is it really possible? I feel like I have been able to offer forgiveness, but still somehow those hurtful words keep running through my mind. So, is it really a place of true forgiveness that I've come to, or because of the fact that I can't seem to forget does it make me the guilty party that holds on to past offenses?
I'd like to think of it as wound that's raw that still hasn't completely healed. Sometimes the wound will leave scars to remind us, but the pain is gone. I'm really hoping that's the case in my life and with these relationships.
I remember a lot about my childhood, but some of the things that stick out to me the most are the hurtful words that my father spoke to me. Now, I can say that I truly do forgive him for that, and those words don't hurt me anymore. But, I feel that as an adult words sometimes have a tendency to hurt worse. With my dad, I knew even as a child that he didn't love me (talk about forgiveness, you'd think after working through that one that I'd be the expert on the topic!), so although many of his words hurt and I didn't even realize just how much until my teen years, I eventually came to the point where I realized that the depth of the hurt was sometimes dependent on the depth of the relationship.
So, here I am as an adult contemplating all of this and wondering if I truly will come to the point where I can not just forgive, but forget. Is it possible? I really want to know. I'd like to think, like with my fathers words that although forgetting may seem impossible, remembering but not feeling the hurt is possible, but I also have to wonder if remembering those hurtful words is just another way to hold something over the head of the person that has offended. I really want to be able to wipe the slate clean, but sometimes I just wonder how it's possible when it seems like words are a constant reminder of pain that was caused.
As I've pondered all of this, I've also started to feel very remorseful about many of the words that I've said that have hurt others. So many times our words can be taken out of context or misunderstood and cause hurt to others that we can't even imagine. Me and my stupid big mouth probably do that a lot, mostly with good intentions though.
As for now, my questions are unanswered, and as much as I miss my sleep, my time awake rocking my sweet baby in the middle of the night has left me lots of time to process the things in my heart. As I've done so, I've been left with the sweet assurance that regardless of my how I feel, God is working in me and it's the process, not the end result that really matters.
As always, our church is doing a 40 day time of prayer and reflection during the lent season. I've had some specific things and people that I've been focusing a lot of prayer on, but as I've done so, I've started realizing just how many areas that are in my life that I need prayer for.
These last few days I've been thinking about the power of forgiveness, but how forgetting sometimes seems to be so much more difficult. More specifically, the power that words have and how they can affect us. In the recent months, I've had two separate instances where people that I have really cared about have hurt me deeply with their words. I'm not here to dwell on the past, but these past few days I've been pondering forgiveness and forgetting. Is it really possible? I feel like I have been able to offer forgiveness, but still somehow those hurtful words keep running through my mind. So, is it really a place of true forgiveness that I've come to, or because of the fact that I can't seem to forget does it make me the guilty party that holds on to past offenses?
I'd like to think of it as wound that's raw that still hasn't completely healed. Sometimes the wound will leave scars to remind us, but the pain is gone. I'm really hoping that's the case in my life and with these relationships.
I remember a lot about my childhood, but some of the things that stick out to me the most are the hurtful words that my father spoke to me. Now, I can say that I truly do forgive him for that, and those words don't hurt me anymore. But, I feel that as an adult words sometimes have a tendency to hurt worse. With my dad, I knew even as a child that he didn't love me (talk about forgiveness, you'd think after working through that one that I'd be the expert on the topic!), so although many of his words hurt and I didn't even realize just how much until my teen years, I eventually came to the point where I realized that the depth of the hurt was sometimes dependent on the depth of the relationship.
So, here I am as an adult contemplating all of this and wondering if I truly will come to the point where I can not just forgive, but forget. Is it possible? I really want to know. I'd like to think, like with my fathers words that although forgetting may seem impossible, remembering but not feeling the hurt is possible, but I also have to wonder if remembering those hurtful words is just another way to hold something over the head of the person that has offended. I really want to be able to wipe the slate clean, but sometimes I just wonder how it's possible when it seems like words are a constant reminder of pain that was caused.
As I've pondered all of this, I've also started to feel very remorseful about many of the words that I've said that have hurt others. So many times our words can be taken out of context or misunderstood and cause hurt to others that we can't even imagine. Me and my stupid big mouth probably do that a lot, mostly with good intentions though.
As for now, my questions are unanswered, and as much as I miss my sleep, my time awake rocking my sweet baby in the middle of the night has left me lots of time to process the things in my heart. As I've done so, I've been left with the sweet assurance that regardless of my how I feel, God is working in me and it's the process, not the end result that really matters.
2 Comments:
You know, when Isaiah was getting up frequently at night I would use that time for prayer and reflection as well. Being a busy tired mama it was sometimes the only quiet time I got with God! I think He will bless you in that, especially as you process and share this message with others.
See the power of positive thoughts within you. God bless you
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