A lot can happen in just 40 days....

How about those Oscars? I'll be honest....due to the fact that we get up so early we both fell asleep by 9:00 watching them. I'm kind of bummed because I read this morning that Jennifer Hudson won for best supporting actress and I really wanted to see her speech. Every time I've ever seen her speak in public she always says the stupidest things and it really amuses me. She just hasn't got the whole "being in the public eye" thing yet. Really though....are you ever supposed to actually get that? I gotta take it a little easy on her....it probably has been quite an adjustment to go from being just a normal girl, to an american idol reject and then a movie star. Poor girl...I mean poor RICH girl.
All joking aside that would never be a life that I would enjoy. Good thing I'll never have to!

Our church started our 40 days of fasting yesterday. No, we're not catholic but around lent time we start doing this thing where we spend 40 days with an emphasis on praying and then a specific topic. Last year was just on prayer in general and this year we're focusing on the promises of God. I'm really excited to see what's going to happen. I really feel like I'm at a desperate place in life right now and I could use some of God's promises for me to lift me up out of that place.
Steve is doing a full on no food fast and I am just fasting dinners and anything with sugar in it - your wouldn't believe the things that have sugar in it, even non sweet things have sugar in it now a days!
I'm really hoping and praying that this time is a great time of God really speaking to us and meeting with us - both on an individual basis as well as as a couple.

I really do believe in the promise of prayer, and the promises of God for that matter and I know that He hasn't made me so that I can live an unfulfilled life. Right now I feel kind of unfulfilled with a few things. Sometimes I struggle with wondering if that's just the reality of how life is sometimes because of things we have to learn or if it's just plain ridiculous because God has so much more for me than that. Hopefully over these next 40 days I'll begin to get a little more insight into such matters.

Just roasting up a cup o' jo!

I realized this weekend that I really am not a homebody. Steve hasn't been feeling good so we cancelled our plans for the weekend so he could stay home and rest.
Nate came over to hang out on friday night but besides we literally had no outside human contact from Friday night until Sunday morning. To some people this might be normal but I can't stand just sitting at home. I was going crazy and it was amazing how excited I was to go to church on Sunday morning! I can't remember the last time I was so excited just to go to church.
Anyway.....to make use of my time at home all day on Saturday I decided to try something I've been wanting to experiment with for awhile....roasting coffee!
I've had some green coffee beans that I purchased and had hoped to roast a long time ago but I finally had the time to do it. I've been wanting buy a roaster for awhile but it hasn't been a priority on my shopping list. I have heard that if you have a certain kind of old skool popcorn popper you can roast some great coffee. I did some research and found that indeed our air popper is about as old skool as you can get so I made a try at roasting my own coffee and felt like I experienced a piece of heaven.
Well, okay, at the beginning maybe it felt more like hell because the house was filled
with smoke, but after I finished my roasting experience is when heaven came down. Most of you probably don't share my love for coffee or some really greasy looking beans but let me just say that if you were a coffee lover you would be impressed with my mad skills this weekend.
These coffee beans were gorgeous!
Possibly one of the best coffees I have ever had (except for Montana Coffee Traders freshly roasted "glacier blend") and I've had a lot of coffees. I've worked at Starbucks for 4 years and I even beat the best of their signature blend (which wasn't that hard to do).
Anyway....so I am proud of myself! I love this coffee roasting business and have found a new favorite hobby! If only I could find a way now to not make the house fill up with smoke every time I roast some new beans.

A scary dream with life lesson....

Last night I had a dream - dreaming is weird for me because it's not often that I have dreams so when I do usually God is trying to tell me something.

This is what happened in short form....

I was with a few people in a huge corporate office building and all of the sudden there were people with guns all over the place taking people hostage. I remember I was with Missy and we were running all over the place trying to find a place to hide. We finally found an elevator and were trying to get to the ground floor to escape the building. On the way down to the ground floor the elevator stopped on another floor.
At this point a woman with a gun got in the elevator with Missy and I. First she asked for all of our id's and money and took our wedding rings.
Next we stopped at a different floor and another man with a gun got on the elevator. I remember they were trying to seperate Missy and I, and I  kept pleading with them and was yelling at them that she had 2 baby girls that needed her and they needed to let her go. I remember them pulling Missy off the elevator and then I woke up in a huge house that was kind of like a compound. There were lots of other prisoners there but none of them I knew. I remember being outside in a courtyard and from there in the distance far away could see my house.
I remember I was pleading with these captors that I needed to call my huband to tell him that I loved him. Days turned into weeks and with time my intensity to call Steve grew. I just wanted to find a way to let him know that I was alive and okay and that I loved him. It wasn't even that I need to call him to try and figure out a way to escape. In my dream I remember feeling so devasted that I wasn't able to somehow send a sign to Steve that I loved him.
I was so scared.
When I woke up this dream felt so real to me and I was still scared.
After Steve got up I started telling him about my dream and almost started crying because I was still so upset.
Steve left for work I started doing some dishes as part of my morning ritual - and all the sudden though I had this horrible thought......through the whole ordeal in my dream I was so desperate for these captors to let Missy go, and then I was so desperate to call Steve but in neither of these instances did I once stop and think about God and ask for his help.
I know it was a dream and I can't beat myself up for what I did in a dream but somehow I feel that this is how life has been lately.

I've been so burnt out and feeling without purpose. The circumstances of life have somehow kept me stuck in a rut that I can't seem to get out and instead of drawing near to God and really seeking his perspective I throw up a few quick " guide and help me Lord" prayers every now but they seem to be prayers that don't really seem to come from within the depths of me.
I am in a very desperate place of life right now with feeling so unsettled and now more than ever do I need the perspective of the one who made me. Instead though my wheels keep on spinning in that rut and I keep on living life the way I am with no change. I know that I'm not in the place that I'm supposed to be but I'm too scared to get out of that rut so instead I feel desperate without any desperation.
My approach to life right now really is quite ridiculous.

I need perspective but I need to open my eyes and look for that perspective through the eyes of Jesus. It's so easy to rely on the things I've learned in the past and experiences I've walked through to continue to guide me today, but that's not always God's heart for me. Maybe this time He is wanting to teach me a few things in a way that I'm not used to learning.
I'm beginning to realize that it's time to sit back and embrace all that God has for me through this time rather than to fight it. Whether it be hardship, sorrow, pain or joy I want remain right where I'm supposed to be and get all out of this time that I can.

just random nothingness....

I haven't been much of a blogger lately. Most because I've been cold. Ok....well really that's not my excuse for not blogging but I'm presently cold so it seemed like the best excuse to me. The real reason is just because I've been mostly lazy, partly preoccuppied, somewhat busy, and overall boring.

Now that we've got that taken care of......life is good.
Steve and I have been busy with a whole bunch of nothingness. Sometimes it amazes me how life can be so busy but then once someone asks you what you've been up to the common answer is "nothing." That's what we've been up to lately - absolutely nothing but all that nothing has somehow seemed to keep us very busy. Last week a pipe burst in our basement and flooded it so we've been cleaning up that and in the process have gotten rid of a lot of the crap in our basement which has really been quite liberating. We've got along way to go as far as clearing the clutter goes though. We both can be kind of sentimental so it's often hard for either of us to part with the most ridiculous piece of junk.

On another note.....tonight we're going over to have dinner with some friends of ours that we haven't seen for a very long time - well actually we saw them a few months ago but it was at a funeral so that doesn't count - regardless though, I am excited. I hate how sometimes in the process of life relationships seem to get disconnected. I know it's natural and that's part of life but I still don't like it.
I feel like I've been very blessed with wonderful friends throughout my short 27 years of life but having had such great friends as a part of my life in the past really makes it suck when I'm going through the lonely seasons of life when I don't feel like I have those kind of deep relationships.
That's one thing I don't prefer so much about St. Louis - I have a lot of friends here but I can probably count on both hands the amount of really deep friendships I have here. Half of those friendships are with the people that I moved across the country with to live here in the first place. I had a lot of really rich, deep friendships when I lived in Texas and I haven't found to many likeminded people here that I seem to really relate with. After experiencing that greatness with others it just seems so much more evident when there's becomes a loss relationally in that area.
One thing is for sure that both Steve & I are very grateful to have Dale & Missy in our lives. Dale & Miss have been my 2 closest friends in my adult life. I lived in Texas with em, traveled the world with them and then eventually moved here with them. Since then they have gotten married, bought a house, had 2 kids and experienced a lot of life. I really don't know what I would do without them. They've been tossing around the idea of moving back to Texas lately and just thinking about it makes me upset. After experiencing so much with these great friends I could never imagine not having them in my life on a daily basis. Most likely if they end up moving Steve and I will consider it as well. They have become closer than family to us and we love them (and they're 2 gorgeous girls) dearly.

Anyway....those are my random ramblings for the day. It's an extremely slow day at our office so I find myself trying to find something to do to kill time. Sorry that my typing seems to be the remedy for my current case of boredom.

New Job?

So I have a job interview this morning and I'm scared. Not necessarily because of the interview but more because of the change.
I HATE change. It's kind of weird how it came about actually. I've been contemplating for awhile changing careers. I'm not really sure why, but I just felt the need for a new challenge and I feel kind of bored with what I'm doing. This is basically how I have been my entire life.
Anyway though.....so I haven't really been looking for a new job - in fact I haven't even made mention to my boss yet that I'm thinking about changing careers. On Monday though I got a call from a Graphic Design firm in Clayton looking to fill a part time position. It was kind of odd to me being that I haven't quite fully made up my mind about the whole career change thing but I figured it could be an opportunity that is the perfect answer to my connundrum.
So i'm going in later this morning to meet the owner of the firm. I'm scared. Not because of the job necessarily but beccause of the major life change that accepting the job would mean.
I could still be in Real Estate - basically just to help out my friends though rather than take on new clients.
What I'm really torn about though is my current boss. I can't really say that I adore my job but I like my boss as a person and she has invested a lot in me. She's been a real mentor to me and has helped me out in the Real Estate business a lot. Now I feel kind of bad to let her down though after she's invested so much in me.
Taken the situation out of the equation though I would have to say that I love the possibility of a new job opportunity and just as I was typing I had this realization that I can't live my life in fear of dissapointing others. Sure, my boss has been wonderful to me and I hate to leave her high and dry, but really.....who am I to think she coudln't go on without me? She doesn't need me so why am I so afraid of letting her down? Why do I care so much about hurting someone else's feelings while in the meantime I'm doing something that I don't enjoy? Sooner or later I would have ended this career regardless so why not make it sooner?
All of this sounds good in theory right now but the reality has a lot of different pros and cons - the money, the hours, the commute (my office now is literally 2 blocks from where I live), the people.
Realistically the break down is this......I work with a great group of people, my hours are flexible, depending on the month I can make okay money, I can literally walk to my office. Doesn't it sound like my current job is a dream job? Well....all this is great except for one thing is missing - I don't have a passion for what I do. I really don't enjoy it to be honest. I'm good at what I do but if I don't somewhat enjoy it what's the purpose?
I don't know if I would even enjoy this new opportunity but isn't it worth giving it a try and feeling it out? I'd rather be happy than feel unfulfilled. That's the precisely the reason why I've worked my measly 10 hours a week at Starbucks all these years as well. It's a fun job and the benefits are great. Too bad the paycheck doens't match everything else.

So....I am confused about which direction to take. I'm processing as I type actually which is how I normally end up coming to a conclusion. I"m realizing though that it truly is ridiculous to stay at job simply out of fear of letting a boss down. I am too much of a people pleaser and need to get over my fears and check out other options. I'm sick of feeling miserable just because of a job. Life has so much more to offer than that and I know that feeling the way that I do is not God's best for me. He doesn't want me to be unhappy or unfulfilled - that's why me made the way I am afterall. Creative and such. Why did I ever think that I could be happy in a job that doesn't even jive with the personality that God created in me?
That's it for now. More to come later.

Sara

I talked with Sara for a long time yesterday. Can I just say that I have perhaps one of the most inspiring women in the whole world as my dear, dear friend? She's great. Everytime I think that I have a right to complain about something I think of all this dear friend of mine has gone though in the last 2 1/2 years and it shuts me up in a second.
She just finished planning her 3 year old nephews funeral (which is going on at this exact minute actually) and she was so full of perspective and Gods hope for this tragic situation.
I don't want to write about death or sadness or everything that has gone on in the last week with this family and the tragedy that has taken place but instead I want to focus on the blessings that God has given me through this dear friend of mine.
Sara and I have been best friends since the 7th grade - we went through a lot together through our teen years. We fought like any two best friends do and then we always ended up missing the others friendship so much that eventually one of us would give in.
Then she met Sam.....Sara and I both wanted to be the "single for life" girls and neither one of us really dated much in high school - we were to focused on enjoying life and just having fun. I remember when she started dating Sam - it was our senior year (we went to different high schools) and I had gone down to Mexico from spring break and when I came back Sara had a boyfriend. I was FURIOUS! Not only that she had a boyfriend but also because she had been liking this guy for awhile and had never even MENTIONED him to me. Of course I thought something was odd about that and immediately didn't like him and I didn't hide my feelings either.
I made some calls and interviewed people that I knew went to high school with Sam and knew who he was and got the low down on who this character was that was dating my best friend - someone that I loved very much.
Needless to say I didn't get the best information on this fella - I found out that he had quite the repuation for liking to party.
After that I was on a MANHUNT! I hate this guy and I hadn't even met him yet. Finally the day came that we were to meet and I had already had my mind made up that I didn't like him. I was not so nice to Sara either.

Well I met the guy and made it obvious that I didn't approve of the relationship and that I didn't think he sincerely liked Sara or that it would last. A year later I figured I might as well give the guy a chance - although I was still skeptical.
I moved off to Texas and not long after Sara called to tell me that she was engaged. I figured at this point I better just get over my dislike for this guy (who realy wasn't all THAT bad I was just protective) and be supportive.

Here we are 7 years later and Sam & Sara are VERY happily married and I can honestly say that I really love the guy and think he is absolutely perfect for Sara. I was so wrong about him but that's just like me - doubtful and not choosing to see the best in others.....so unlike Sara - she always chooses to the see best in others and with Sam chose to see what he could be not what his past painted a picture of him to be.

And now this brings us to the present.....Sara has gone through it all. She spent days wondering if her husband was alive when he was caught in an avalanche and no one could locate him - she then has spent weeks and months in the hospital and they went through the process of starting their lives over after due to frostbite he was forced to get his leg amputated. She then has been such an encouragement to her husband as he continues to "get back on the horse" (or bike in Sams case) and train for the paralympics while he's gone traveling and competing a large part of the time.
She is a wonderful teacher - full of love and patience and has always been a friend that no matter what I know will always be there for me. She has loved, supported and believed in me at times when I didn't believe in myself.
And now here she is.....planning a funeral for the tragic death of her brothers 3 year old. She's been dealing with the media who has constantly been harassing her family since this whole ordeal happened and in the middle of it all of this she's calling me to see how I am and to tell me about how great God has been to her and all about the great plans he must have in store to bring the family through this tragedy.
The woman is such an example of faith, integrity and courage to me and I feel so blessed to have her as part of my life.