the power of POSITIVE

I've been thinking about my attitude a lot lately and I feel Iike I'm constantly being challenged about what I believe about myself and my circumstances.
These last few days in everything I've done it seems like I keep learning about the power of a positive attitude and the power of positive words.
I can be a very positive person, when I'm talking with other people about their problems I always seem to see the glass half full, but it seems like as soon as the focus is on me and MY problems the glass immediately becomes half empty.
This REALLY bothers me. I realize that most of the time life really isn't at bad as I internally make it out to be.....in fact....I have it pretty darn good.
I'm not sure why I tend to be so negative, both internally in my thoughts and outwardly with my words, but I think part of it is because of the way of life that I've adapted to.
I believe it's the Gin Blossoms that have a line in their song "jealousy" that says "if you don't expect too much of me you might not be let down" and that seems to be the way I live sometimes. It's not only the way I prefer to let others percieve me, but it's the way I tend to percieve myself. Sometimes it seems easier to sit on the sidelines without any hope because then there's not a chance of being dissapointed. I find it easy to live this way, it allows me to feel protected.
In reality though this is simply a PITIFUL way to live. I might as well just spend the rest of my life sleeping in my bed if I choose to let this attitude dictate the way I live my life. By choosing to live in negativity I'm simply just missing out on all the fullness that God has for me to experience in life.
I remember when Steve and I first started dating I had this HUGE fear that he would hurt me. I was so afraid actually that I almost didn't even begin dating him in the first place, I even told him this. One day though I had this realization that loving someone is all about the risk. I could choose to live the rest of my life by myself out of fear of being hurt or I could take a risk....knowing that he could indeed break my heart, but also knowing that there was a chance that he could be the love of my life. I am SO glad that I took a risk and didn't allow negativity to take root in my heart and cause me to miss out on the joy of experiencing so much love.
Sometimes the attitude is half the battle to a fulfilled life. I want to choose to think positively with the little bumps that seem to catch me off guard on this road of life. Of course there's a thing called reality that I can't deny, but instead of believing the worst - about myself, others and my circumstances I want to make a choice to think on the good things and not dwell on the bad.

The Weekend Update.

We had a great weekend! Lots of quality time. I am definately a quaity time person.
Yesterday we went to the Laumeier Sculpture Park, I had always heard of this place and have seen the signs for it but have never taken the time to go. We didnt have any plans for yesterday afternoon so decided to be spontaneous and that's where we ended up, It is SUCH a cool place and I can't believe that I've lived in St. Louis for 5 years and have never gone there. It's basically an outside museum and has all these cool different paths to walk on and explore the art in the woods. It was a little bit muddy since it had rained but it was still worth it.

Anyway....so I had a great time. I don't mind sitting home and watching the occasional movie, but I definately prefer to be out doing something active. Steve LOVES his movies and I just can't sit in the house the long. Maybe I have A.D.D. and I just get bored to easily, but it drives me crazy to just sit and do nothing, so needless to say yesterday I enjoyed getting out and doing something different. To make up for Steve's love of movies we came home, watched a movie and then went to the park for a few hours with the dog to walk around.

All in all it was a good weekend. We got out friend fix on Friday and Saturday and then Sunday we got to spend some good time together.

Yep, I'm an old fart.....

Yesterday I hit the big 2-8. Yep, that's right I'm now 28 and it is so depressing. I'm going to be one of those people that cry all day once I hit 30 I can already tell.
I find it depressing because at 27 at least I was still closer to 25 then I was to 30 and now I can no longer say that.
I'm not so much a fan of birthdays. Yesterday Steve and about 10 of my friends all took me to the Macaroni Grill for dinner. This is one of my favorite places to eat.....every day except for on my birthday that is. Birthdays suck there....I'm not a fan of being in restaurants on my birthday because I hate the fact that somebody spills the beans that it's the big day and a bunch of the wait staff comes over to sing to you.
At the Macaroni Grill it's even worse though, because it's not a bunch of the wait staff that comes to sing to you, it's in fact just ONE person that comes to sing opera to you and that person stares at you the whole time. It is SO ackward. I don't like some stranger that I have never met staring at me while they serenade me. It is probably one of my least favorite things.

A few years ago some other friends took me to the Macaroni Grill on my birthday as well and that time it was a young man that serenaded me and he got up really close to me while he was singing and I still remember it like it was yesterday because that is one of the most uncomfortable moments I can remember in my life.
Last night at least it wasn't so bad. It was some girl and she stood a good 5 feet away from me while she sang to me (all the while staring at me of course). That has got to be rough for the person working as well as I wouldn't enjoy obviously being uncomfortable while I make someone else uncomfortable on their birthday.

Anyway....besides the singing part it was a good day. Yes....I'm gettting older and I STILL don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life. But I guess that's okay for now.

I am SO rare......

Your Personality is Somewhat Rare (ESFP)

Your personality type is playful, charming, open minded, and energetic. Only about 7% of all people have your personality, including 9% of all women and 5% of all men You are Extroverted, Sensing, Feeling, and Perceiving.

How Rare Is Your Personality?

I rarely do these personality things but I got it from a friends blog and thought i'd try it out. Observations that I made....
they were able to identify my personality type after just about 7 questions. This must be some accurate test ya'll.
In case you didn't notice I'm being sarcastic.
I found it funny that my personality type is so rare when my friend in fact had the SAME personality type and was in the same rare 7% of all people that have my personality.

geesh!

My Attitude......Rotten as an apple

I hate having a yucky heart. I guess I don't have anyone to blame but myself.
The last few days I've been kind of introspecitve and have been realizing how sour my attitude can get and I am so ashamed of myself.
I try to be a person that is genuine, honest and sincere. No, I don't go around telling people I hate them or anything, but I can honestly say there's also not really anyone that I actually hate. Sometimes when people describe themselves and sincere and honest that means they like to give you their opinion about everything they think of you. I wouldn't say that I'm that type of person, but I would say that I'm the type of person that is honest and sincere when I tell someone that I care about them. It's not just talk, I really DO care.
Lately though I find myself getting an attitude with a few people in my life. Attitudes in my heart are beginning to come evident in my head and normally when that happens it doesn't take much time before they become evident in my words as well.

It starts out like this....I get a little upset because I'm being mistreated by someone but I shrug it off....after a little while though this starts to really wear on me and then eventually I'll start thinking bad thoughts about this person. Or they'll be talking to me and in my head I'm thinking "I just wish you'd shut up so I can get away from you!".....that's the point where it moves to my head, then not long after that if i let it stew around in my head for awhile and really allow myself to ponder about how much I dislike this invidual it starts to come out of my mouth. Sometimes it's really subtle but others times not so much. It can be something that I say to that person or even something I say about that person to somebody else.

All of this to say that I'm sick of my bad attitude. Regardless of what others due to me it is MY responsiblity to act like the mature adult. They will account for their actions just like I have to account for mine. So many times I think it is my right to hold on to bitterness in my heart because I feel so justified with my anger because of the way that I've been treated by someone.

These last few days though I've really been thinking about my attitude and realizing that I DON'T want to be a person that holds on to that kind of crap. I am the only one that has to account for the things in my heart and because of that MY heart should be the only one I'm judging. I'm sick of having a yucky attitude, and I'm not sitting here blaming anyone but ME for it.
I want to be a person that forgives and shows love. I used to be more like that but lately because of some of the circumstances in life I've allowed myself to have short fuse when it comes to letting other people get to me.
So....these last few days I've been a work in progress as I try to get rid of the wrong attitude and instead fill myself with God's attitude. It's hard work though.....

dreaming....

I had the weirdest dream last night.
I don't dream that often so when I do normally they're weird dreams and make me think alot.
In my dream I had a baby but I was totally unprepared. Steve & I had known we were pregnant the entire term of my pregnancy but in the dream it was almost like we didn't care.
So much that when I went into labor in my dream I didn't even bother to call Steve and let him know, nor did I even go to the hospital. I was at a party actually and just had the baby there.
Because I was so unprepared I needed to put a diaper on the baby once he was born but realized that I didn't have any diapers with me or at my house. Then I decided I should go to the store to get some diapers, only I realized that again because of how unprepared I was I didn't have either a carseat or a stroller to take the baby with me.

It was such a weird dream. I am SUCH a planner so in real life I would never be that unprepared to bring a child into the world but it still was weird.

I know that dreams often time signify things in life so I was thinking about it and came to some conclusions.
Babies signify new beginning and change. I feel like (and have been feeling for quite some time) that Steve & I are about to experience MAJOR change. We're not sure what that is yet, but we feel kind of stale and stagnant in life right now so we're pretty open to change. Because of how stagnant we both feel I've become kind of apathetic. I'm ready for change but really I'm not prepared for it - emotionally, spritually, financially or any other way really. Just like the baby in my dream I was so stressed out because I was unprepared when all it really took was getting things in order in anticipation for the baby to arrive.
I'm not really sure how to prepare myself for something that's down the road when I'm not really sure what that "something" is yet. But, I feel with time things will become more clear.
In the mean time I just need to continue be the best I can be at what God has called me to know and not look forward to the future so much that I forget about the present. I have a habit with doing that in life and it doesn't matter how much I try to change, I just seem to keep on learning the same lessson over and over again. I guess that's part of life though and if I wasn't constantly learning I'd constantly be bored.

The Weekend Update.

Good times were had by all last weekend.
Vania is here visiting and it's been like a breath of fresh air having her around again. I sure do miss her.
We did lots of fun stuff....went to the zoo, went to the movies (Oceans 13 is great by the way), went to an art festival and just hung out and had lots of laughs....along with a few irish car bombs (compliments of steve) along the way.

It's been awhile since I've laughed as much as I did this past weekend. Last night we were BBQing at Dale & Missy's and I realized that I had 4 of my 5 bridesmaids all with me there (too bad sara was missing). It was great! The last time I had so many of my close friends all there with me was at my wedding and most likely I will never have all my friends that live across the country with me like that again. So....I try to enjoy every minute that I can when I have friends come to town to visit. Their visits are too far in between.
Also having Vania here has made me miss Texas....A LOT! I realized yesterday that I've now lived in St. Louis for the same amount of time that I lived in Texas. Still somehow it has never really felt like home like Texas did though. I hope and pray that someday God would call me back to YWAM and Texas. That is the last time I remember feeling the most alive.
I"m not trying to be all down or anything....my life is good and I really don't have much room to complain. Maybe I just live in the past too much too, but I can't help but feel like I'm missing out now when I'm around my friends that were with me through that wonderful time period in my life and are still living the way I thought I would be living forever.

Anyway....enough about that. I know that God has good plans for my life and I'm not exactly sure what they are now but I have learned to trust Him every step of the way. If I wouldnt' have left that "great" life and moved to St. Louis I would have never even met Steve in the first place and HE truly is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received.


So anyway.....it was a good weekend! I enjoyed myself and I needed some good fun. Now it's back to the daily grind.....

Confusion

Have you ever had one of those days where you just woke up feeling frustrated for no particular reason?
Today is one of those days for me. I'm not sure why but from the moment I put my feet on the floor I've been feeling frustrated about life and confused about a lot of the things that are happening.
Speaking of confusion....yesterday while I was running through some errands I had the "family talk" channel on my XM radio and I was listening to a Joyce Meyers teaching. She was talking about confusion. Really confusion occurs mostly when we're try to figure out the things we don't understand (well, duh).
I'm all about thinking....I may not be the smartest girl in the world but sometimes I tend to overthink things. I replay scenarios in my mind and it drives me crazy. Sometimes when I'm dealing with things in life I LET myself become completely confused by the simple things simply because I think and disect them too much.
Really though sometimes I think my confusion simply comes from my lack of faith in God. Of course many times it's because I simply don't understand something, but lots of times it's because I DO in fact understand and choose to not be satisfied with my understanding.
I doubt I"m making sense, but that's okay.

If any of you know me you know why it is so funny that all these thoughts on confusion and faith in God were brought about by a joyce meyers teachings. It's quite ironic actually given some of the circumstances of my life right now. I have been so frustrated with this job situation, (see "Interview #2",and"justa job interview"). I actually called back yesterday about this job to check on the status of things and guess what I heard?
It's probably not hard to guess.....but I heard the same thing I heard 2 weeks ago! "You're application is still being processed - why don't you give us a call back in another 2 weeks if you haven't heard anything." I'm getting used to these words from this company where I REALLY want a job. If it weren't for the fact that I wanted this job SO badly I would just forget it.
Anyway....back to the point of confusion. The reason why it relates to me with this instance right now is because both Steve and I are so confused about this job situation. We're praying people. We believe that God speaks to us. That is why it's SO funny because we both have prayed and felt such a peace about me working at this company. So much in fact that I haven't even been searching for jobs at places elsewhere. Naturally because I'm not accepting new clients right now with the Real Estate since I'm hoping to change careers we're starting to get to the point where I REALLY need a different job. When Steve got hired at the company where I want to work it was a week long process. So far they have given me 2 interviews and have been processing my application for 5 weeks now.
Naturally I'm starting to get antsy. That's where the confusion comes in.
I WANT to believe that this is what God has for me because both Steve and I really felt good about me working there, BUT I'm starting to get confused about the timeline.
Is God simply trying to teach me something through the situation and maybe that's why he gave me a peace about the job in the first place....or am I supposed to hold on and wait because He really DOES want me to work there? That's what I'm not sure about. I am very confused, but I wonder if this confusion simply comes from the fact that I'm afraid to trust what I felt God spoke to me. You see....I'm doing it again...disecting things. I'm trying so hard to figure out what God is trying to teach through the situation that I'm most likely missing the point because I'm so wrapped up in the circumstance at the moment.
I love that God has the ability to see the big picture when I see simply the moment. I guess that's what makes him God after all, right?
Anyway....so those are some of the thoughts in my head this morning. They're not too deep but they sure are confusing...well, at least to me.

Root Beer Float Thursdsay

Free Rootbeer Floats at Sonic! Last night Missy & I were watching TV and saw a commercial advertising that tomorrow night (thursday) from 8pm - Midnight Sonic will be giving away from Root beer floats! Yeah!
I'm not a huge rootbeer float fan but I'm always up for free stuff! Just wanted to let ya'll know!

The Joys Of Friday!

I love that it's Friday. It kind of felt like Christmas this morning when I woke up and realized that it wasn't thursday like it should be. AH the joys of 3 days weekends! I even joy them the entire week after they're gone!
I'm glad this week flew by. It's been a busy week.
Next week should be busy too cause Vania's coming for a visit for a few days! Vania is one of my good friends and I haven't seen her since my wedding actually. When I first moved here to St. Louis I got so used to seeing her often because she would come up from Texas to visit at least 3 or 4 times a year but this last year she hasn't been here at all and I've been having SERIOUS withdraws. So....all that to say I"m VERY excited to see her and have some good quality hanging out time!

Anyway....on to another topic....the job. I had posted about these 2 interviews I had about a month ago but haven't mentioned them since then. Well....I'm still waiting to hear back. Appararently the hiring process is quite the process indeed at this company.
The last I heard from someone in HR last Friday was that they were finishing up some other interviews and I should now hear something by NEXT friday. If it wasn't for the fact that I wanted this job so badly I would just say screw it and move on to other prospects but I REALLY want this job so if it means going through a 5 week process to get it than I'm fine with that.
All that to say that I will be EXTREMELY bummed out if I wasted all this time not searching for other jobs while I've been waiting to hear back on this one.

So the weekend is here...well, in 2 hours it will be. Hopefully blue skies will be heading our way because we have massive projects to accomplish at our house this weekend. We need to finish up our floors in the kitchen and have lots of yard work to do. Oh the joys of being a home owner!
That's all I got for you know folks. Sorry I'm such a bore!