passion (and not in a hubba hubba way)

Passion.........
that's one word that's been in my mind lately.

What exactly is passion?
Is it glorified word for something your excited about? Perhaps the latest idea or craze that everyone wants to hop on the bandwagon with?
Could it be that one's passion is something that comes from deep within and could not be disregarded or denied because it's a unique fiber of our being that God has put inside of us?
I think so.

That's amazing that God could give us excitement, ideas, and individual ways to express ourselves to him and many of these can be summed up to be passions of ours because of the Unique nature in which they are given.

I would consider myself a passionate person. I have many passions......a passion to know Jesus more, a passion for the lost, a passion for worship, a passion to be excellent at everything i do, and a passion to be the best wife possible to my husband.

Sometimes passions may seem to change like the seasons depending upon where we are in life but I don't think they ever go away. Maybe sometimes we get discouraged and don't want the passions we have but I believe they truly are a fiber of our being.

My reason for thinking through all of this is because lately i've been struggling with the passions I have.
My heart has been discouraged. I feel like my passion has been squelched by others. My tank is running on empty and I feel defeated.
I know that God has put things inside of me but sometimes I'm so afraid of getting hurt that I don't want to dream big.
I have had my passions and my hope deferred in the past and it's a horrible feeling.
I'm realizing that I'm putting to much hope in man and not enough hope in God.
I want to see the dreams of God fulfilled in my life and I so often allow myself to get discouraged and let man dictate if the things I'm passionate about could be dreams that God has given me or just something I want.
I've learned though that in those times of discouragement the dreams that truly are from God are the passions within me that never seem to die regardless of how defeated I feel.
Sometimes I even wish those passions would go away so that it wouldn't hurt so much in those moments when I feel like nothing.

I'm learning though to trust in God and know that he will never fail me and every season, every time and every passion He gives me is for a reason.

decisions, decisions!

We had a nice fall weekend.
Steve was gone working at a womens conference downtown for the last few days so it was nice to have him home again.
We had some fun times going out to the country and all that jazz.


We had lotss of good quality processing time. We've both been feeling that we're on the verge of some kind of change in life. Not like the "we're gonna have a baby change" or anything like that. More like just we're in transition time. I've had enough change in the last year to last me awhile.
You'd think a new career, new house and new husband is enough for one year eh?

Anyway so we've been processing that and other things.
We've made a decision to not take over the music department at our church. We've been going back and forth for months and have not felt adequately equipped. We've asked to get a little more training and for a little more discipleship and it just hasn't happened.
We finally came to the conclusion that just because there's a need and it seems like we are the only that can fill the position doesn't mean it's necessarily the right thing to do.
We're discouraged because this is our heart. But we also know that unless a few things change and we get to a point where we feel we're ready to take on this huge extra responsibility it's not something we should be committing to.
Music is our passion but we don't want to let something we're passionate about rule over our rationality.
This has been a hard decision to make and something we've been going back and forth about for probably about the last 9 months and we felt like it was just time to cut things loose.

We both feel kind of a sense of relief that finally we've made a decision but bummed out as well because it sucks giving up your passion. We do feel it's for the best though. Who knows what will happen in the future anyway. Sometimes it works out where the minute you die to something that's all you really needed and then it comes back to life again.
I'm not looking, hoping or even expecting this, but the way life seems to work for us I wouldn't be suprised either.

So now.....on to the week - this time with a a lot less responsibility to worry about.

pics from the weekend

We had a fun weekend. It was nice just to not have to go to work.
Saturday steve had a hurling game and I got totally sunburned watching it and now look like bob the tomato.

We went to the Forest Park Balloon lighting festival on Friday and it was lots of fun. I had never seen hot air ballooons so close up. Gosh....they are massive!

Just call me Jenny Crockpotter!

Just in case anyone was wondering I think I have the cutest husband in the whole world.


I realized today that the whole saying "food is the way to a mans heart" really is true.
I'm a bad cook - I will admit wholeheartedly. Steve does most of the cooking at our house.

Today I knew Steve wasn't feeling good so I put this nasty hot dog soup concoction in the crockpot for him for when he got home from work. It basically consists of potatoes, hot dogs and tomato juice - yes it is indeed disgusting.

I'm really not sure why but for some reason this is his favorite thing to eat in the whole world.
Needless to say I got my bonus points for the day. Gosh....who would have thought some nasty hot dog soup could make a man so happy?! The minute Steve got home he called me and was SO excited to see his precious hot dog soup in the crockpot.

I guess I'll have to start learning how to cook.

Lesson for the day : Food is definately the way to a man heart.

9/11

I remember that day 5 years ago. Not only was it a day that changed our history but it also was a time in my life where my history was changing too.
So much has changed since then.
I remember that day flying over to Germany. I left from Dallas late in the evening on Sept. 10th. I remember first flying in Brussels on the morning of Sept 11 and having a layover there. I was half asleep but I remember boarding the plane to continue on in to Munich and as I was waiting for take off I noticed a lot of airport security people outside the airport. Our plane left and landed like normal but I remember that life seemed different when I got off the plane in Munich.
The friends that were picking us up seemed really somber but I wasn't sure why. The whole airport in fact seemed the same way but I thought maybe it was just because it was rainy day.
We got our baggage and headed back to the house where we would be staying for the next month and that's when our friends told us what was happening back in the USA. We watched CNN for a few hours in disbelief.
What a weird day to have traveled from the US over to Europe. I just wanted to go home. I never had in my life experienced such a strange feeling of fear.

That was only the beginning of the change that would happen in my life that week.
At that time in my life I was living in Texas but pretty much lived out of my suitcase. I played in a band called the Warrior Poets and we toured around about 9 months out of the year. That summer had been a summer of re-evaluating things in my life. I remember feeling burned out and wanted to just live a normal life. I was sick of traveling. I took a few weeks off to gain some perspective and felt really engergized. I really felt like I was to continue to travel with this band and for the first time in awhile I was really excited about it and really wanted to pour my heart into what I was doing again - a feeling i hadn't felt for some time.

So I traveled to Europe - full of hope and excitement for the future. First there was 9/11 - how strange that was and I don't think i've ever been a jumble of so many emotions prior to that day. Also prior to that day I hadn't been much of a patriotic person - in fact quite often I ridiculed how ridiculous our country seemed to me at times. After 9/11 though my perspective changed and I realized how strong our country was and now am often times brought to tears when I hear the national anthem.

What happened to me next that week personally though really changed my life. That was the week I found out I would be moving to St. Louis. After getting all this perspective and feeling good about what I was doing I was told that our band would no longer be a band. The leaders would be moving to St. Louis to work with the youth at the Vineyard church here and they wanted me to come with them.
I remember feeling so overwhelmed with fear. I loved my life in Texas, I loved the friends that had become like family to me, and I absolutely loved what I was doing. I remember when I first moved to Texas from Montana I though that I was would spend the rest of my life in Texas because I was so happy there.
My life seemed to have so much purpose and moving to a new place seemed out of the question to me.
Regardless of what I decided to do life was about to change for me drastically. I spent the new few weeks over in Europe battling in my mind what I was going to do. I remember being more scared than I had ever been before.
Finally after quite a process I decided that I guess I didn't have anything to lose so I might as well move. At the time I never could have imagined how hard that transition was going to be for me. Looking back I'm glad I had no clue that I was about to go into the hardest time of my life. My first 2 years here in St. Louis were absolutely miserable. I hated everything about that time of my life.
Now my perspective had changed - I've met a wonderful man that I get to spend the rest of my life with and St. Louis feels like home. Ironically 5 years later though my heart still sometimes hurts to be back in Texas.

So every year since 9/11 I not only remember what happened to our country that day but I remember the life that I used to have, the life I miss but still that life that I now love and I'm reminded that regardless of what happens to me or where I go God is always with me.

No Labor Today!

time for a blog entry....

We had a great labor day weekend. We were gonna go camping but then decided it wasn't worth the effort.

Instead we had lots of fun just hanging out together and with friends. I watched my buddy dale get a tattoo on saturday and have officially decided that I don't think I'll ever be able to get one. I'm such a wimp when it comes to pain!

It was so nice just to have a few days off to relax. It makes going in to the week so much easier!
Steve and I went to the Labor Day Parade in downtown St. Louis on monday - gosh I never realized that the purpose of labor day was so that teamsters could have a parade! I am neither for nor against the union but I was amazed at how an entire parade was full of union workers giving props to themselves!

Anyway so that's the extent of our weekend. As boring as it may sound just not working was the best feeling ever for me!

life and perhaps a little loneliness too.

The other day Steve and I were talking and he asked me what I missed the most about single life.
Most definitely I think it is just hanging out with friends whenever I wanted to. I've been missing that a lot lately.

Let me first preface this with saying that my husband is absolutely fabulous and is in no way controlling or gets jealous of me hanging out with my friends nor does he try to keep me from them.

That said I do miss my friends though. Marriage changes everything. Not being Miss independent anymore changes everything A LOT.
It's not like Steve and I have become total loners since we've been married but life has definitely kept us busy. It takes time doing twice as much laundry and cleaning - coordinating schedules between the 2 of us and then the rest of the world seems impossible sometimes.
We both work crazy hours and at the end of the day are exhausted and just want to sit at home and not be social. Or one of us wants to be social but the other one is tired but we don't want to go out without our other half.

I'm not trying to have a pity party here or anything and forgive me if it sounds like I am but I'm just starting to realize that maybe I'm a little lonely. My husband is great company but I'm realizing my need for others as well.

They say variety is the spice of life. Steve's like the lettuce in a salad with lots of different spices on it. Without the lettuce there really woudln't be any substance to the salad at all, but the salad also needs spices to help liven it up a little bit too.

Obviously the lettuce is by far the most important and vital part of the salad but that doesn't mean there's also no room for a little livening up from Mrs. Dash once in awhile too. :)